We all need boundaries.
Boundaries keep us safe.
Boundaries differentiate me from you,
Boundaries help us focus on what’s important to us.
And boundaries improve relationships by creating clear expectations and responsibilities.
But it can be hard to figure out what boundaries you need to set.
What boundaries do you need?
One way to identify your boundaries is to think about the areas of your life where you’re experiencing problems. Do you constantly feel exhausted? Do you feel uncomfortable around someone in your life? Each of these problems is telling you that you’re lacking boundaries in this area of your life.
There are several common types of boundaries. Understanding each type can help you clarify the specific boundaries that you may need.
I have had some real issues setting boundaries in my life. Partly because I thought I would hurt people in my life. But, I ended up hurting myself instead.
- Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries protect your space and body, you have a right no to be touched, to have privacy, and to meet your physical needs such as resting or eating. They tell others how close they can get to you, what kind of physical touch (if any) is okay, how much privacy you need, and how to behave in your personal space. A physical boundary clearly defines that your body and personal space belongs to you.
Have you ever sat somewhere and someone sit uncomfortably close to you, and you move away, because you need more physical space? That’s an example of personal space.
- Sexual Boundaries
Sexual boundaries protect your right to consent, to ask for what you like sexually, and to honesty about your sexual history. They define what kind of sexual touch and intimacy you want, how often, when, where, and with whom.
Maybe your personal policy is not having sex on the first date. Or saying in what way you want to be touched.
- Emotional or Mental Boundaries
Emotional or mental boundaries protect your right to have your own feelings and thoughts, to not have your feeling criticized or invalidated, and not to have to take care of other people feelings. Emotional boundaries differentiate your feelings from other people’s, so your accountable for your own feelings, but no responsible for how others feel. Emotional boundaries also allow us to create emotional safety by respecting each other’s feelings m not oversharing personal information that’s inappropriate for the nature or level of closeness in a relationship.
Your free to say, “I don’t feel comfortable discussing this…
Or, “I feel embarrassed and powerless when you chastise me in front of other people. I’d like you to stop.”
- Spiritual or Religious Boundaries
Spiritual boundaries protect your right to believe in what you want, worship as you wish, and practice your spiritual or religious beliefs.
Maybe saying, “I’m going to take a moment and say a silent prayer before we eat.” To let other people pray or thank anyone for the food, without pushing your beliefs on others.
Another example is:
I go to church alone because my spouse doesn’t share my beliefs. I don’t want other to have to break their boundaries because I believe in one way and they believe another.
- Financial and Material Boundaries
Financial and material boundaries protect your financial resources and possessions, your right to spend your money as you choose, to not give or loan your money or possessions if you don’t want to, and your right to be paid by an employer as agreed.
Saying, “I’m on a budget, so I brought my lunch from home and won’t be ordering lunch today. Without being disrespected.
Or, “Please don’t borrow my car without asking.”
- Time Boundaries
Time boundaries protect how you spend your time. They provide you from agreeing to do things you don’t want to do, having people waste your time, and being overworked.
Maybe, your boss asks if you will take some work home to do. You can say, “I reserve my evenings for family time, but I will get starting working first thing in the morning.
- Non-Negotiable Boundaries
Non-negotiable boundaries are deal breakers, things that you absolutely must have in order to feel safe. They usually pertain to safety issues such as physical violence, emotional abuse, or drug and alcohol use, fidelity, and life threatening health issues.
Like saying “Mom, if you don’t install a fence around your pool, my children will not be able to come to your house.
Any type of abuse is a deal breaker for me and if someone abuses me, or my trust, they will not be part of my life anymore.
We all need some non-negotiable boundaries, but we also need to be careful that we don’t put too many of our boundaries into this category. If a non-negotiable boundary is going to have any meaning, you have to be willing to follow through on it.
It’s counter-productive to set non-negotiable boundaries that you don’t enforce them.
From Pity to Praise 