I was raised in fear. My mother used fear as a parenting strategy. She manipulated me by fear, fear of getting hit, and fear of her screaming about how terrible she thought I was. Along with that, there was neglect, like not feeding me, or not allowing me to speak and I better not cry around her or it would just get worse.
Fear-based parenting varies from situation to situation. Some of the examples I have lived are being hit, and being verbally abused, not being fed, and the fear that everyone would hate me if I didn’t do as she told me. To her, I was a horrible person, so horrible that God even hated me.
I was in fear all the time, which created anxiety and sadness so much so that I didn’t enjoy too many things growing up. Because I believed I was a horrible person, I had very low self-esteem and trust issues. I felt like I wasn’t loved and felt alone. Isolated myself from people because of it still today. Some days I have to force myself to get ready for the day and do something productive, otherwise I would stay in my house and become a recluse.
For many years I made bad decisions. I’ve made some mistakes and have had to deal with the consequences of those actions. In my younger adult years, it was because I felt that if no one loved me or cared, why should I care? I didn’t think of the consequences of my actions. And it led me to pretty dark places.
My father worked tirelessly to take care of his family. He wasn’t around much. It wasn’t until he retired that I got to know my father for who he was -an amazing kind hearted man.
After years in therapy, I am improving. And I know a God that loves me and shows me grace and mercy. All in all my life has turned out pretty dang good. I have an amazing husband who has stuck with me through it all. Because I chose to not raise my children the way my mother raised me. I broke the pattern, and have some pretty amazing kids.
I thank God everyday that He had restored my soul and had forgave my sins, and given me a second chance.
From Pity to Praise 