Unresolved past issues, traumas, or hurts will keep surfacing in new situations and relationships, creating cycles of familiar pain or dysfunction until we consciously address and heal them.
It took me many years to learn this, but once I did my entire life changed. Before this I felt stuck, not moving forward.
This is a psychological concept that is linked to repetition compulsion, where our brains unconsciously recreate scenarios like repeating job issues or choosing a certain type of partner hoping to finally master or change the original painful outcome, but instead getting stuck in the same loop. Kind of like going around the same mountain over and over and expecting to get somewhere different.
Until you break the cycle nothing will change. To break the cycle we must engage in some self-reflection, honest communication, setting boundaries, and seeking support from someone to can help identify and resolve your core wounds.
There are many applications to this:
- Unresolved trauma: Childhood wounds or past rejection can lead to seeking similar dynamics to gain life or control. This concept is related to adverse childhood experiences.
- Relationship patterns: We can repeatedly find ourselves in emotionally unavailable relationships or conflict-ridden situations because we haven’t healed the underlying need or fear.
- Behavioral loops: Ingnoring bad habits or past mistakes can keep us stuck, breaking the cycle requires facing what needs fixing through self-awareness and action.
- The need for healing: The “repair” involves acknowledging the pain, understanding your role, setting new boundaries, and practicing self-love to interrupt old patterns and foster growth.
When repairing ourselves there are a few keys.
- Self-reflection: Look inward to identify your parts in the continuing cycle.
- Honest communication: Talk openly about issues to understand and validate experiences.
- Set boundaries: Establish healthy limits to prevent mistreatment in the future.
- Seek support: Find a pastor, counselor, mentor, or someone who will offer a safe place to heal deep wounds.
- Practice new behaviors: Consciously choose different actions and reactions to build new neural pathways.
It’s important to realize that this is not an easy task. I know many people who don’t continue because it’s a long process. I can tell you from experience it took me 4 years to break the cycle. But, once I accomplished it my life began to change.
Changing our brain patterns is hard because our brains prioritize efficiency and comfort, forming strong neutral habits through repetition. Like well-worn paths in a riverbed, it’s easier to use old roads rather than build new ones, especially with ingrained emotional responses and cognitive biases like fear of loss.
It feels like fighting your powerful automatic systems with your thinking brain it takes conscious effort to replace old reward loops with new ones, rather than just trying to stop the old habits.
This makes changing very difficult and most people are not willing to put in the work. But, if you can your life will improve dramatically.
From Pity to Praise 