How To Break The Blame Cycle.

Being blamed when things go wrong is challenging. You can end up feeling as if the world is against you-that no matter which way you turn your being picked on, bullied, or victimized. Whether you’re bearing the brunt of the blame in your relationship or being blamed at work for things you don’t think are called for. It hurts.

The one thing I’ve learned is- If someone is blaming you for something you didn’t do, there’s a good change they are to blame not you.

If you feel helpless in situations where there are people who blame, accuse and act defensively when called out.

Blaming leads to uncomfortable emotions that can eat away at your sense of self, and doubting whether your good enough or if you’re even worthy of respect.

If a person experiences trauma in younger years as a child and/or we’re raised by parents with few boundaries, blaming others may have been a safe way to protect oneself. This pain is full of hurt. Painful memories of how they learned to avoid emotional or physical abuse.

What happens is a separation of self emotionally from others. Rejecting responsibility for any problem that taps back into the need of feeling safe using the mechanism learned- blaming others to take the heat off oneself.

Learning how to minimize feelings and distance oneself from others helped keep the person safe. Unfortunately, as an adult it’s these same emotions that cause problems in relationships as detachment has now become a safe place to retreat to.

Empathy is a quality communication, it’s a skill often missing in relationships in life.Yet, these skills are imperative for anyone living or working with someone they feels blames or accuses them for what is going on. If one person can steer a straight course then the other person can hopefully feel it and they can regulate their own body.

It may feel like a counterproductive thing to do in the heat of the moment when someone is blaming you unfairly. Yet, if you can regulate your own emotions, then the fuel that keeps behavioral patterns alive diminished.

Empathy is not approval, not agreement, waving your rights or being a doormat- empathy makes you stronger more able to assert yourself appropriately and effectively when that time comes.

Empathic resonance-feeling another persons who’s feeling or underlying pain rather than challenging the problem head on.

Perspective taking-seeing things from a Mother’s point of view and may differ from yours and is still valid.

Empathic understanding – imagine if you were in those situations and feeling those feeling- this is what it would mean for me and this is how my mind might function if that were my experience…where you’re saying, ”If I were in that perspective and feeling those feelings. think how your mind would function if that were my experience. It’s not- but if it were, I get it.” it’s kind of an empathic imagination.

Empathic joy- feeling happy for another person’s happiness, proud of another persons’ success.

Empathic concern- which is ”I see your suffering so I’m going to take action to reduce your suffering , ” it’s basically a synonym for compassion.

Kick start your empathy by asking yourself: What hurts for this person? Consider: ”Is there some gentle way that I can begin to talk about what hurts?”

If you’re dealing with someones whose default position is to ”blame” you may notice that he or she experiences difficulty in one or more of these empathy areas.

The secret to being empathic: if someone is always to blame, if every time something goes wrong someone has to be punished, people quickly stop taking risks. Without risks, there can’t be breakthroughs.

The secret to engaging empathy is learning how to create a ”pause” in thinking so you can stimulate a more empathic response in both yourself and the other person.

Seeing happiness outside ourselves is like waiting for sunshine in a cave facing north

Tibetan Proverb

In seeming happiness, we need to exit our cave and enter another’s experience what their emotional state is. When we can do this from a place of pure selflessness and engage curiosity without triggering our own defensiveness then we have a better chance of managing our own emotional state and influencing the emotions of another.

It’s about allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, knowing that in understanding ourselves and raising awareness of our emotional respond we can be more present to others.

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