I saw a quote that said, I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel. And it really hit me. We live in a world that teaches things like fake it until you make it and love heals all wounds, but those little quotes don’t work for me. Pretending I was fine when people have wounded me did not work. People telling me to get over it, stop making such a big deal out of it. Didn’t help the pain I was in. It wasn’t until I realized what love really is that I was able to understand how love could heal my wounds. It wasn’t until I acknowledged where the exhaustion came from and how the wounds got there in the first place that I found my healing.
I was exhausted too. I was exhausted from trying to be happy and trying to be grateful for a life that seemed to be getting harder and harder. I was exhausted from being who other people wanted and expected me to be. I was exhausted from always trying harder and exhausted because nothing ever seemed to be enough.
I was exhausted because nobody heard me and because nobody cared that I was exhausted.
I just could not understand it. I believed that I might be the only person in the world that didn’t know how to make gratitude work for me. Even though I was practicing gratitude it wasn’t working. I felt defeated. I felt stifled. I felt oppressed. I was weary and just plain tired to the bone.
I had nothing to feel unhappy about and I felt guilty and ashamed of myself. I believed I was living the dream: a good husband, two amazing children, living in a big house, the best dog in the world.
But I wasn’t happy I was exhausted. At 35 years old I was heading to major depression. I was doing my best to keep my family happy, raising my children to be successful adults. I was getting outside every day. I was reading self-help books but I kept falling down and getting back up.
I had been trying to be stronger than I felt most of my life. Trying to be grateful, trying to let go and move on, trying to live and let live, trying to be me.
Trying to forgive and forget people that denied they had ever done anything wrong. Trying to accept the blame for things that we’re never my fault, never my responsibility or my doing.
I was completely exhausted from trying.
Today I live with peace and harmony. I haven’t been depressed in over 15 years. I am excited to get up in the morning to see what God has planned for me, and the blessings I will have.
My children are adults and successful in their lives. I belong to some great organizations, and able to bless someone every day. Helping people makes me happy. I enjoy seeing others happy and full of life.
So what happened? How did I get from being exhausted to excited? I build the missing bridge with God’s help.
I had to build my self-esteem, I had to learn to let go and move forward. I had to burn the roots to my brokenness. I had to look at the cold truth defined by my actions and the inactions of others.
I realized that I had been objected to a very small age and what had been communicated to me through the careless action and inactions of people. And that I had a purpose in life to help others be the best they could be, to be there for them to help strengthen them and pray, for them. To serve the needs of others. My actual needs we’re invalidated. I was brainwashed to see myself as not enough, now worthy, no lovable because seeing myself that way was enabling people to control and manipulate me to get what they wanted from me. I was exhausted because I was taught what to do what everyone else wanted and not what I wanted. I kept trying harder and harder and it was never enough. I was exhausted from trying to prove that I was worthy and I was a good person. I felt like my heart was misunderstood, I was brainwashed to also believe that something was wrong with me.
I found a way to look what happened to me. How did the depression start? My depression was a way to shut down. My way of coping. After years of my way of coping. I ran out of energy to keep trying. I gave up on the fact that I didn’t believe there was anyway to achieve anything in my life.
But there is a way. There is hope, and I found success. I found a new way to see myself. I found a new way to see my struggles and finally said: no wonder I was depressed. No wonder I was sinking. No wonder I felt like I was losing the fight.
As long as I saw myself the way that I’d been brainwashed to see myself, I was losing the fight. I saw through the grid of the truth about me was when I came to believe that I was not enough, something was wrong with me, I was powerless and had no choice.
We are all worthy and we are all enough.
I took my power back. I took my life back and got me back.
I have the energy to spare today and I am free of the oppression that held me back for so very long.