Tears sit perched behind my stinging eyes and I could feel myself falling into a hole that has found a home in my aching chest.
If I shut my eyes I could see a little girl peering out from a closet seeing if it’s safe to sneak out. Longing to be loved, taken care of. She felt tainted, different, and unworthy.
This was how I felt, and what I saw as an adult needing to be loved and taken care of. Thinking I was unworthy to be loved, and wondering why I was even born.
There was a hole left inside of me. I realized I was the only one who could fill it.
I chose some ways to try a fill it that weren’t right but knowing the hole was there. I started to drink a lot of alcohol. Tequila, Jack Daniels, and thing I could get my hands on.
But when I woke up from passing out, the hole was still there. So I added sex and a lot of it, it made the hole go away for a little while I made me felt loved and accepted. But then after I felt used. So I started doing drugs, cocaine was my drug of choice it made me feel thumb, I it made me numb all over I couldn’t feel anything, but unfortunately I kept drinking and having sex.
Then I met one night, a guy that wanted me to just go partying with him. Well I felt like he could be the one. I had sex with him that night I had sex with him. Surprisingly he want to see me after that, one night we were partying and a drug dealer was there. I of course over did it. To the point I could not move. I was paralyze. This guy picked me up and took me to his house and let me sober up. It was this night I stoped doing cocaine. That experiment scared me to death. I only drank after that but not to the point I would pass out.
All of this trying to fill the hole inside of me.
I ended up marrying the guy, and we’ve been together 30 years.
Most of my life I’ve been trying to fill that hole, but when I realized I was only putting a patch on it. Nothing or nobody could ever fill it for more then a little while. Yes I glowed during the temporary high of what I was doing. Soon enough I was left feeling empty and alone.
You can try to fill that hole with sex, alcohol, drugs, or food with your attempts at perfection in many areas of your life. But it will never work.
So I was married at first it was the perfect marriage every thing I was looking for. But I was struggling to me the perfect wife. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, plus workin a full-time job.
But I realized that I would never experience peace by just doing my best. All the doing I was doing in the world would be futile. So I tried to feel the feelings inside of me. All the trauma came rushing out. And I was taken back to the vision of the little girl that felt unworthy.
It’s really quite amazing an example of how we live our lives as if we’re in prison, yet we posses the keys to get out. So often we long for others to love, treasure and appreciate us. But we need to do that for ourselves.
After a year of marriage I became pregnant. We were not ready to bring a child into our lives. We wanted to have time to work on our careers first. But it didn’t work out that way. Here came a baby girl into our life. Here I couldn’t take care of myself and I was expected to take care of a child.
I didn’t even think about having an abortion. This was God’s creation and He brought her to us for a reason sometimes we don’t understand the things that happen to us, but God knows the future even if we don’t have a clue.
I tried a exercise that I heard someone telling their doctor told her to try. Sometimes just listening to strangers without speaking. If very helpful.
This exercise was writing out all the things I wanted in my life. Example: I want George to think of me and do for me. “I want George to love me.” “I want George to see the best in me.” “ I want George to truly be my fan.” I want George to make me feel safe.” I put a different name in there you, can put any name in there you need to.
And then take the exercise a step further. Turn those names to put in there as yourself. “I want me to love me, complete the exercise with yourself in ther.
We need to love ourselves before you can love anyone else, especially a baby.
The Bible commands us to love your neighbor as yourself. How can you love your neighbors if you don’t love yourself?
We all have some sort of holes in us. I learned the hard way physical ways no matter what will never fill that hole. I has to be spiritual. Once I began to have a relationship with Father God, that hole has been filled. I repented for trying to fill the hole inside on me with sinful thinks. Was forgiven and moved forward with my life.
There’s a song that’s called Amazing Grace. “You saved a Wretch like me.” And that’s exactly what I was, and he saved me, from all of that sin and forgave me, so I could start anew.