Several years ago I had a friend that walked away from her faith.

I remember our last conversation about God before she moved away. She told me that He had not come through for her. She had prayed and asked him to change her situation, but things to get worse for her. She asked angrily Is this how a good God treats his children? And went on to tell me all that God had not done for her, despite her faithfulness. She was tired of doing the right thing because it hadn’t gotten her anywhere.

My hope is not that my situation will turn our a certain way, but that God will always to what’s best for me.

I understood how my friend felt. I t98 have had unwritten contracts with God where I tried to live a righteous life and in return and expected God to bless me by fixing all of my problems.

The way my life has been I had every reason to hate God, and blame him for everything. And for many years I was a mean, angry, and resentful toward everyone and everything that cane close to me. But when a chose to be loving and kind to everyone and ignore the thoughts in my heads of my past. Life started to get better.

When I met my husband I felt like God was doing His part. My life was finally going right. This only lasted about 4 years until I became horribly sick with my first child and the doctor told us, the baby and I could die. At 8 months I had an emergency C-section to save my baby girl’s life. She was born healthy, but I had almost died. I woke up in ICU 4 days later. With wires and tubes every where on me. I was in so much pain I thought I was going to die. After about 6 days I wanted to see my baby girl. The doctor told me, I would be risking my life if my heart rate and blood pressure went up. I got very upset and my doctor let me see my baby and m husband for a few seconds I was not allowed to touch or hold her.

This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. 3 weeks later I went home and got the chance to hold by baby and hug my husband. Just I started healing I was diagnosed with a mood disorder this almost destroyed my marriage. When I took my baby to her first check-up, my doctor told me I shouldn’t have any more children it was to risky. My first thought was my husband wouldn’t get a son to carry on the family name. I was devastated.

I asked God to please help my marriage and to help me move one from this Situation. And 8 months later I was pregnant again, but instead of being fearful. I was thrilled. I had to have another C-section and be on extra medicine so I would not be so sick. I had a beautiful baby boy.

I few later year’s later I lost my job because of my panic attacks. My husband cheated on me, my Mother died of a massive heart attack, and my father called me to clean to carpet where she have fallen. I did it for my Father, but I didn’t have any remorse for her. I was cold.

What suffering produced in me.

No, I didn’t leave my husband when he cheated on me because I felt I had nowhere else to go. But each time something went wrong, I begged God to fix it, or take away the pain, to restore things to be the way they were. I learned that when we have a horrible trauma in our lives it comes out when we have another traumatic thing happens, hence, the birth of my baby girl brought out this disorder that happened in my childhood.

When things got worse I would angrily stop talking to God, because I felt He wasn’t listening to my prayers. Little did I know He was watching over me the entire time.

I realized, however, like Peter, that there was no place to go, because only Hesus had the words of life. ( John 6:68). I cried out asking God to help me trust Him, and to find hope in what seemed like impenetrable darkness. I need peace and I couldn’t find it anywhere besides Christ.

Then I got the mail one day and there was a package from my husband’s girlfriend. I was so hurt but, when he came home from work I confronted him and he accused me of cheating on him. I took the worst smelling water I could find. (sewer water) and soaked the teddy bear she bought him and socked it, I stepped on the cd she sent him. I was going to send it back to her, but I chose to write her a letter instead. She sent a letter back saying I was a horrible wife and mother and my husband did love me, and to let him go.

I kept that letter for many years.

I began to change and learn to cope with my mood disorder, that is when my faith frantically changed. I began taking my children to church every Sunday. Sent them to communion classes and we went to church for a couple years and when I’d gotten deeper involved. There were things I had a difficult time believing so we left.

After that, we didn’t go to a church for about 5 years. My children got invited to a church youth group and started going to church again, they were trying to talk me into going. After a long time of my children nagging me about church, I finally went. I found peace and hope I hadn’t experienced any time before in my life.

While my marriage still wasn’t the greatest. I prayed to God to fix my marriage or give me away out. My life had not yielded anything but I enjoyed the present with my God, my children and myself.

Suffering is a catalyst that forces us to move in one direction or another. No one comes through suffering unchanged

Suffering Always Changes You

Paul says, “We rejoice in hope of the glory of God more tHan we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

I can rejoice in my suffering, knowing God is using it to produce in me what I could not produce in myself.

I know if through all my suffering, there is a bigger plan for me, than I ever could imagine.

I cannot be tied to a specific outcome. My hope is not that my situation will turn out a certain way, or that God will give me exactly what I want, but rather that God will always do what’s best for me. It is a living hope in the Savior that loves me, not in an outcome I feel entitled to.

In Jeremiah 29:11 The Word says “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord plans I have for you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

When I was diagnosed with Cancer years ago the doctor told me I had a year to live I was devastated. I thought okay God after all you have put me though and this is how I’m going to lie.

A few weeks after a very painful surgery to get the tumor removed, laying on my couch at home. I knew I was not going to die this way. I have to fight and God was going to be here for me. I bad to have radiation called Avelumab it was a new treatment they did on me. After that and my whole church praying for me, and a wonderful friend was always there to support me. The next time I went to the cancer check-up, there were no new growths. I told the doctor I was healed In Jesus Holy Name. My cancer check ups have been clear ever since.

The deepest trials make us not rely on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. The more we endure with Christ. And find Him sufficient, the stronger our faith becomes.

So, if you have gone through a life of trials I challenge you to put yourself on a path of love, truth, and peace with God.