Do you ever find yourself saying “it’s all my faulty” whenever something goes wrong?
Do you live with a endless sense of guilt and shame?
And blame yourself for everything relationship conflict?
The problem with deciding “it’s all my fault” is self-blame isn’t about taking responsibility at all. It’s instead an unconscious way to avoid facing the reality of the situation you find yourself in.
By taking the blame, you easily sidestep and further conversation or analysis of what has happened.
And always saying it’s you fault is also a form of self-abuse. You push yourself into so much guilt and shame you are unable to grow or change.
The Price Of Always Taking The Blame
It can help to see constant self-blame as a sort of reverse psychological projection. Usually, with projection, we put a quality we don’t like onto another person. To avoid seeing in yourself. Suddenly they are the dishonest one, the rude one.
In this case, you project your good traits onto the other. They are kind and flawless and you are the monster.
But claiming all the blame blocks the other person from sharing. Their own truth about the situation. The can’t face their own responsibility and grow and learn from what has happened. The result can often be that the other person become increasing frustrated, feel trapped, and pulls away.
Your relationships remain stuck in an often dramatic pattern of claiming fault/begging for forgiveness, instead of working through challenges together and creating real connection.
You feel lonely, unloved, and even more terrible, shameful person who must therefore always be at fault. And the cycle continues.
The hidden benefits of always using self-blame. If self-blame leaves us feeling lonely and stuck, then why would we continue to use it?
If we want to stop the habit, we must first accept the benefits it gives us. What would be the benefits of always taking the blame?
You Get To Feel Sorry For yourself.
When you blame yourself, you actually victimize yourself. It’s a backward ways to go into poor poor pitiful me mode.
You Gain Attention.
And when we feel sorry for ourselves, it forces the other to feel sorry for us, too. It might not be the best way to get attention, but it does the trick.
You Maintain Control.
This might be hard to acc, but the truth about always claiming responsibility is that it is manipulative. You constantly lock the other person from deciding how things will go, and you use sympathy to make sure they don’t pull away and leave you.
It Gives You Power.
So effectively, always claiming “it’s all my fault” ends up a way to have power over another. It might be hard to believe when you have such low-self esteem that you’d want power over another. But low-self esteem can mean we can’t the power to stop other people from hurting us or abandoning us.
You Can Avoid Changing.
If we always take the blame, then we don’t have to experience new emotions or new conversations.
You Don’t Have To Be Vulnerable.
Accepting someone else has perhaps wronged you (even if not meaning to) can mean you must allow yourself to feel hurt and vulnerable. Using self-blame means you can resort to shame instead of vulnerability.
Why am I the sort of person who always feels “it all my fault”?
No one is born thinking that everything is their fault. Its something we somehow learn from the experiences we have or decide to believe because of the way those experiences make us feel.
Often self-blaming comes out of childhood trauma. If we are abused, neglected, abandoned, or the lose of someone we loved. Our childlike brains can find no understanding of what has happened other than to think. “It’s all my fault”. And our brain takes this assumption as fact. It then applies it to other difficult things that come along, until it is a pattern we carry into adulthood.
Blaming ourselves can be quite addictive. Addictions tend to grow when we are using something to avoid pain.