Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
Maybe someone hurts you physically or emotionally. Maybe you’ve survived something else traumatic- a national disaster, a fire, an armed robbery. Or maybe you’ve just come out of a trying situation, and though you know you’ll eventually recover, you still feel pain that seems unbearable.
Whatever the case may be, you’ve been scarred and you carry it with you through many of your days,
Most of us can relate on some level to that feeling. Even people who excel at taking personal responsibility have at least one story of having been hurt. Some of us have endured more serious situations, you really can’t quantify or compare emotional pain.
To a teenager who just had her heart broken, the pain really seems like the end of the world. In fact a study done by in 2018, Livestrong estimates that every 100 minutes a teenager commits suicide- and the number of suicides in high-income families is the same as in poor families.
Presumably, not all those teens have suffered incomprehensible tragedies. What they have in common is pain, born from different adversities and circumstances.
When you’re hurting some people might tell to “let it go,” as if that’s a valid solution. They may say “it’s all in you head” and assume that reasons away the pain. But, none of that will help you heal and find happiness from moment to moment.
My husband used to tell me “it’s all in your head” every time I would get hurt, he didn’t realize I was highly sensitive and easily got hurt. It didn’t make the pain go away, it just made me hurt worse because he didn’t try to understand what I was going through.
Like everyone I’ve been hurt, in both profound and trivial ways. I’ve had to acknowledge my feelings and process them, and then finds ways to work through them so I could let go and move on.
Here’s What Helped Me Do Just that:
It’s not always easy to identify and understand what’s going hurting you. Some people even stay in abusive relationships because it’s safer than acknowledging their are layers of pain. The low self-esteem that convinces them they deserve their abuse, they shame over being treated with such cruelty, and the feeling of desperation that convinces them there’s no way out.
The first step toward finding happiness after being hurt is to understand why you were hurt, to get to the root of everything that makes the memories hard.
Feel And Express Pain
There’s no guarantee that you’ll be able to communicate how you feel to the person who hurt you, and if you can, there’s no guarantee they’ll respond how you want them to. Say what you need to say anyway. Write in a journal, write a letter and burn it. Get it all out.
This will help you understand why you’re hurting and what you’ll do in the future to avoid simulator pain, so you can feel empowered instead of victimized.
Research has proven that people who focus on lessons learned while journaling find the experience more helpful than people who don’t.
Try And Stay In The Present
Reliving the past can be addictive. It gives you the opportunity to do it again and respond differently- to fight back instead of submitting, to speak your mind instead of silencing yourself. It also allows you to possibly understand better. What happened? Where did you go wrong? What should you have done?
Regardless of what you think you should have done you can’t do it now. If you have post- traumatic stress disorder, you may need professional help to revisiting the incident. If you don’t, you need sustained effort. Fight the urge to relive the pain over and over. You can’t go back and find happiness there.
Stop Rehashing The Story
Sometimes we tell a sad story over and over again as a way to avoid moving on from the past.
It may seem like another way to understand what happened, or maybe it feels helpful to hear someone say you didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t deserve to hurt. And it’s okay if you need that for awhile.
But if you do this for years it keeps you stuck living your life around a memory and giving it power to control you.
No amount of reassurance will change what happened. You can’t find happiness by holding onto a painful story and letting it control your life. You can only find happiness when you let go and make room of something brighter.
If telling your story empowers you and helps other people, then by all means share. Only you know where you are mentally and emotionally and whether telling your story is hurting or helping you.
This was a constant for me, it steamed from my childhood. It took me years to learn how to stop blaming myself and let the burdens of other’s go. Maybe you didn’t do anything wrong but you blame yourself. This one was a constant in my life, Or maybe you played role in creating your current situation. Regardless of what happen, you need to realize what you did is not who you are. And even if you feel immense regret, you deserve to start today without carrying that weight. You deserve a break.
You can either punish yourself or submit to misery, of forgive yourself and create the possibility of happiness. It comes down to whether you decide to dwell or move on. Which do you choose: anger with yourself and prolonged pain, or forgiveness and the potential of peace?
Stop Playing The Blame/Victim Game
Maybe you were the victim. Maybe someone said or did horrible things to you, or you fell into an unfortunate set of circumstances through no fault of your own, it still doesn’t serve you to sit around having pity for yourself. Blaming other people. In fact, it only holds you back. You can’t feel good if you sit around feeling bad for yourself or the other’s person’s actions.
I have a therapist tell me one time you are allowed to only have one pity party a week the next month. After a few months I didn’t have them at all.
The only way to experience happiness is to take responsibility for creating it, whether other people made it easy for you or not. You’re not responsible for what happened to you I the past but you are responsible for your attitude now. Why let someone hurt you over in the past have power over you in the present?
Don’t Let Pain Become Your Identity
If everything you do and all your relationships center around someone or something that hurt you, it will become harder to move and hence, ruining all your other relationships. You may even come to appreciate what that identity gives you: the illusion of understanding or the warmth of compassion.
You have to consider the possibility there’s a greater sense of happiness in completely releasing your story. That you’d feel better that you can ever imagine you’d stop letting your pain define you. You can have a sad story in your past without building your present around it.
Reconnect With Who You Were Before The Pain
It’s not easy to release a pain identity, if you’ve carried it around with you along time. It may help to remember who you were before that experience or to consider who you were before the experience or to consider who you might have become if you hadn’t been hurt at all. You can still be that person, someone who doesn’t feel bitter or angry so often.
If you want to feel peaceful and happy, start by identifying what that looks like, what you think about, what you do, how you interact with people. Odds are this process will remind you how you want to be and how you don’t want to be.
Focus On Things That Bring You Joy
You don’t have to focus on completely letting go of your pain forever, you just have to make your own joy right now. Start simple. What’s something that you can enjoy in this moment, regardless of what pain you’ve experienced. Would sitting in the sun bring you joy? Would going out on a date with friends bring you joy?
Don’t think about the totality of the rest of your day’s. That’s a massive burden to carry haven’t you been hurt enough. Focus on now, and allow yourself a piece Little peace. You’ll be surprised how easily your nows can add up when you focus on them as they come.
Share That Joy With Others
We tend to isolate ourselves when we are hurting because it feels safer than showing people your vulnerability. What we fail to realize is that we don’t have to be vulnerable all the time. We can choose certain people for support, and then allow ourselves time with other’s without involving our painful stories.
You can share a meal, a movie, a moment and give yourself a break from your anger and sadness. You don’t have to carry it through every moment of your day. Don’t worry if you need to remember it, you’ll still be able to recall it later. As you allow yourself pockets of peace, shared with people you love, you may find you need that story less and less.
You have a right to feel whatever you feel. And you don’t have to rush through your sadness or anger. We all need time to process our feelings. But there are time we need to consciously choose to heal, let go, and move on. It’s a process, and it won’t be easy. But you deserve it.
Every one deserves to feel happy. Every one deserves a little peace. We can only provide these things for ourselves.
I isolated myself in my house for nearly 25 years only going out to shop or doing something with my children was so deeply hurt by my childhood I was an empty shell. It’s took me all those year to realize I deserved love and respect.
Don’t make the mistakes I did, I was killing myself slowly. Choose today to be peaceful and happy