Love: A Feeling Or A Choice?

A lot of people accept live as a feeling and think nothing of it. They can feel it in their hearts, and they know when they know. Love isn’t complicated; it’s simple . Look no further than any fantasy movie. Just follow you heart, Right?

The Problem With A Feeling

Viewing love as a feeling can be detrimental to a relationship that depends on the feeling. The honeymoon effect is a real thing. When it fades, it leaves a lot of people reeling and questioning their relationship.

Counting on the feeling of love to carry a relationship is like relying on your passion for writing to inspire you to write everyday. If you ask any writer they will tell you that’s not the case, and ask any couple that has been together for 40 years and they will tell you the same.

Viewing love as a feeling either keeps people in toxic relationships or leads to divorce after a year of marriage. People tend to trust their feeling over their situation and circumstance, and either stay in damaging relationships or have early divorces. Because they have lost the intense feeling of love,

Not everyone goes into marriage based on a feeling. Couples who know it takes work are the ones that last forever.

Love Is A Choice

The internet is full of articles saying the idea that love is a choice. But, love is a decision we choose daily to show our partner that we love them. It has nothing to do with a feeling, it’s about recognizing loving your mate regardless of how you feel, showing your partner that you love them. Love is not described as a Nike commercial “Just Do It.”

The Problem With Choice

Love as a choice can be harmful when people hold their partner to this standard. “They didn’t choose to do this, so they don’t love or care for me.”

When people view love as a choice, it can lead to people questioning the other person’s feelings, when they don’t respond the way they would like them too.

If someone loves singing or writing, but isn’t very good at it people don’t question if they love it or not; they accept that they love it and their not necessarily good at it.

It can be a roadblock, when one person was raised with the love and words of love growing up and the other person was not. They both have differing expectations of what love is.

But, if someone doesn’t respond to their emotional needs, they believe they don’t care (which isn’t true). People don’t tell others to choose to be a better singer or writer, by calling love a choice, it creates a mindset that their partner should choose to be good at it. and that mindset will always disappoint.

The Choice Mindset

The choice mindset is terrible simplification of a complex emotional need and action. If you tell someone that love is a choice, it’s like telling someone to just choose to stop being depressed. It’s like nails on a chalkboard.

Love Is A Skill

Like all skills people are either good or bad at it. It takes hard work to learn a skill, and unfortunately some never learn.

Being patient, kind, understanding, supporting, compassionate, reliable, and a host of other qualities that are associated with love are not something can just choose, it takes skill, time, and hard work.

When we think of love as a skill, it takes into account the complications of love and people. It challenges us to elevate our love and relationships to find the areas that need improvement and causes us to focus on how to better love our partner’s.

When we recognize that people are at different stages in life, have different experiences and world views, personalities, parenting styles, attachment styles, and backgrounds that aka impact what someone brings into a relationship.

The reason that relationships don’t work out, isn’t because of an absence of love. Multitudes of relationships have ended because the didn’t love each other enough, but because they couldn’t or wouldn’t put the hard work into the relationship.

Love Isn’t Complicated. People Are.

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