It’s in the hardest moments of our lives that we learn to lean on God and trust who He says He is. We have the optometrist either turn away from Him or allow our faith to be transformed into something tangible that we can carry with us the rest our lives.
It’s when I had felt that I’d lost everything, that I found my greatest strength, not realizing it, until I was completely ready to give up.
I was tired of fighting, I had to fight my way through my entire life. I felt I was drowning in my own regret. I lost the only thing I could trust in my life, the support of my father. I was losing my husband of 30 years, and my daughter and I had lost myself a long time ago. Their was only my son and he was 3000 miles away.
I had turned away from God a long time ago. “If He was real and truly lived me like everyone kept telling me, how could He just watch all the horror I have been through.”
I had run from everything and everyone that loved me. I felt the only way out was to end it all. I packed a bag and drove for miles, not knowing where I was going to end up. I ended up at my sisters, we had not talked in years, but it’s the only thing I had. I had driven 200 miles. Later to realize that the drive there I was shaking so badly and crying out for someone- anyone to rescue me from the pit I was in.
I kept telling everyone I was a saved Christian. That night I realized I was living a lie, I might have taken to title of a Christian but I definitely was not and by no means was I saved.
I had turned away from God and never had any intention of accepting Him into my life. Sure I had gone through all the motions but that was all.
That night I reevaluated my relationship with God. I told Him that night if He got me out of the mess of a life I had made. I would turn to Him. At the time I doubted every word I had spoken to Him.
But, as I sat there on the bed at my sisters home. I processed through the insurmountable pain and loss I had to overcome in my life. To say the least I didn’t sleep at all, and cried most the night.
A had hit rock bottom, There was no where else for me to go. I decided I nothing to lose.
I stayed at my sisters house for 4 days, trying to get the nerve to even ho home and face my husband. And in that time, My sister and I had patched things up.
Now it all can down to either I had nothing and had to start my life over. Or put all my trust in God, A God I had doubted my entire life. But hey what did I have to lose. I anchored down in the sovereignty of God and prepared for the worst. That my husband would not let me in the house, and it was over.
Trusting God and His purpose for me meant trying to find joy in the sorrow.
It ended up my husband and decided to give it another shot. To forgive everything we’ve ever done to each other. And start fresh.
God pulled me out of the pit and stood me on a solid ground. Now I was up to me to try and collect all the garbage in my life and throw it out for good.
These days I’m on a steady path of following and obeying God everyday. And I will never have to worry about my past mistakes. It’s an amazing feeling. To know I am forgiven.
That long season of pain and suffering are over. Thank God!