Embrace Your Ugly

Though most of us are doing the best we can in any given moment, there will inevitably be times when our less-than-ideal self rears it’s ugly head; times when despite our greatest efforts, our emotions betray us and our most childish, reactive behaviors are triggered.

The not so pretty parts of ourselves emerge in spite of us. There are tendencies that live within each of us, the primitive, basic instincts we are born with and soon learn are unacceptable. These include rage, greed, jealousy, addiction, procrastination, and any number of self-destructive behaviors.

Carl Jung referred to instincts as dark sides to our personalities, as our shadow selves. They have been portrayed across media throughout time – in Greek myths, film, art, and literature, and embodied by famous characters from Darth Vader to Hamlet.

Our shadow is not an error or a flaw. It is a part of the natural order of who we are. And it’s not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be faced. It had the power to connect us to the depth of our imaginations.

What ever we choose to call these parts of our personalities, it important to remember that they are just parts. They are not the sum of who we are. However when we know not to let’s them hijack our better judgment, as they have the potential to sabotage our relationships, our well-being, and ultimately our lives.

The paradox is that if you want to change the things we hate about ourselves – the ugly parts, we must first learn to accept them. We all have ugly sides, it is when we don’t have awareness that problems arise.

A good starting place is the awareness to our behavior without judgement or harsh criticism, it at the core of mindfulness. We can look at our actions and our words mindfully and decide if they are causing discomfort, or uneasiness. We can then say to ourselves, “This type of thinking or speaking is not going to serve me well. I can do better.”

Living mindfully includes being aware of the words we speak. Words a very powerful tools. They shape our lives, our relationships, and even or sense of worth. Before speaking, pause and ask yourself. Is what I’m about to say helpful? Is it kind? If you’re in doubt, don’t say anything at all. You can’t put your foot in your mouth if it isn’t open. My father always told me “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.

It is also important to notice our negative self-talk and ask what self-beliefs thru reinforce. What we focus our thoughts on becomes what our minds focus on.

Being mindful is more than being aware, it is awareness with self-compassion. The components of self-compassion includes kindness towards ourselves, common humanity, or seeing our experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than isolated. Being mindful rather than over-identifying with our own thoughts or feelings.

Easily put, self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and respect that you would treat those you love. This is not selfishness or lack of regard for others. We can’t have true compassion for others if we don’t have it for ourselves. Compassion should be non-negotiable. This includes having compassion for the perceived “worst part of ourselves.

Along with self-compassion we should have self-forgiveness. Self-forgiveness is more difficult to forgiving others. Most of us have had moments we wish we could take back, when our emotions betray us or our words come out less than tactfully. We can remind Ourselves of our common humanity, that we have all been there before. When we behave in a hurtful way, self-forgiveness does not man it is okay to repeat the behavior. But to look at the behavior and decide to do better next time.

It is important not to believe everything we think about ourselves. Our negative self-assessments Will some times be less accurate, as we tend to be our own worst enemies. While we may have a severe foot-in-mouth experience from time to time, but the goal is to have less of them. If we shame and blame ourselves each time we mess up, we are compromising not only our emotional and psychological well-being but out physical health as well. Research had shown that holding on to these grievances have been correlated with a higher risk of disease.

Human beings are inherently imperfect and, as such make mistakes. If we don’t fall on our faces every now and again we won’t grow. All we can do is live our lives with the best of intentions, and when we mess up, simply acknowledge it and vow to do better next time.