From Pity to Praise

Dealing with Judgmental people is never easy. We can be constantly inundated with negative from a person, it can wear us down on many levels.

If the judging is direct, we can develop low self-esteem, and never ending criticisms. Similarly, if your around someone who are constantly judging and complaining about others, you can feel like you’re drowning in negativity all the time.

So, how do you deal with people who age Judgy and critical all the time? Do you just cut them out of your life, or try to work with them as they are?

First things first:

You have to choose not to be harmed by their words. The great thing about emotional responses is that we can choose whether to feel a certain way or not. In the simplest terms, a judgmental person’s behavior can only affect you if you allow it. There’s a quote that I like that says, “In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.” While I choose not to say this out loud, it’s definitely running in my mind as people are judging me out loud.

For most people, a judgmental person would involve an knee-jerk response of anger or offense. They immediately want to defend themselves. They feel a need to counteract or contradict the other person’s judgment and criticism and attack them for making them feel bad.

The better option is to just not let their words affect you. Think about what they are saying, and ask yourself if you would be this upset or offended if the same words came from a child. If a 5-year-old told you that you were ugly, would you be upset or offended? Or would you feel bemused and shrug it off.

I remember a few years ago, a family member was quite upset when she learned my political views were not the same as hers. One day she called me, and just started screaming some very harsh words at me. I sat there and smiled. My options were to scream back, or set the phone down and let her scream until she was down. I chose the latter, when we was done, she hung up. The next time I seen her, she was clearly embarrassed over what she had done. But in my silence, she knew that my political choices were not up for debate.

Treat anything people have to say like water of a duck’s back. Keep your emotions in check, and don’t allow yourself to be unnerved or defensive about their opinions.

Number two is, avoid reacting to them or their words. Ask yourself why you feel like you have to respond to them at all. If a person is being judgemental toward you, it’s really a projection of who they are and rarely has anything to do with you.

For example, a person who battles with their weight may condemn others for being fat after they have lost weight. Or those who subscribe to a particular religion might accuse those of others’ faith of being stupid or lost.

Most people who are acting judgmental are only trying to get a response out of you. More often than not, the most effective thing you can do is not give them any of your energy.

When we show the offender that their opinion doesn’t matter, it prevents your energy from being wasted in a useless back-and-forth exchange and doesn’t dignify their spitefulness with a response.

Instead of rising to whatever bait they are waving at you, it’s better to show them that their opinion means absolutely nothing to you. Then play it by ear after that.

If they intensify their effort to criticize you, or get louder in their judgment, get up and leave. You don’t have to explain why you’re leaving, just remove yourself from the mess.

Learn to respond to the situation, not react. As a reaction, you lash out at the other person who is hurting you, to either make it stop or to hurt them back. With a response, you can look at the situation from a distanced perspective, and either try to change the subject or leave.

The third one is to try to see them with neutral eyes. Ascertain what kind of person they are -both in that moment and in general. Is this a person who is usually quite kind, but is going through a tough time? Are they feeling resentful toward another person or situation, but can’t express that, so they are venting in your direction?

When people don’t know how to channel their emotions they hypocritically criticize other people for behaviors they themselves display.

Secondly, try to determine why you feel slighted by their judgmental attitude. Are you feeling insecure about something they are being judgy about. If so, is your sensitivity causing a strong emotional reaction than is warranted in the moment?

I tend to think there is a lesson in everything that happens in life. We can learn from every situation in experience in life. That being said, ask yourself if there is a lesson to be learned from their words.

If you can disengage emotionally so you’re not in immediate wrath mode, take a moment to consider what they have to say, or whether their point is valid.

For instance if someone is making judgmental comments on how messing your house is. Take a look around and see if there are ground for this criticism. If your house looks like a tornado tore through it, then there may be truth in what they said. Acknowledging something like that sucks and it hits the ego, when someone judges something about us we need to work on. But it can be a learning opportunity.

While you’re being introspective, try not to fall down a rabbit hole of seeking their flaws and hypocrisies in turn. If you’re feeling hurt by them saying something that you know you need to work on, you’re natural response might be to say something back like “Well, you smell like you haven’t bathed in a year” retort. When people hurt us we want to hurt them back. But it doesn’t help anything, and will likely just escalate the situation.

We can protect our own energy and sovereignty by creating physical distance. If the person doesn’t get the hint that you keep leaving the room when they go on a judgy tirade, you mind have to clarify things for them.

The next time you’re overwhelmed by them and feel the desire to walk away, tell them you have no desire to listen to their judgmental criticisms. And that you are prepared to spend time with them if and when they can talk about something decent.

Keep doing that, it’s like training small children. Eventually they’ll learn the lesson that you would tolerate that kind of nonsense from them. They will either stop spewing at the mouth in your direction, or they’ll stop talking to you because you’re not enabling them. Either way, it’s a win-win.

It all comes down to knowing yourself and seeing who they are, then you’ll be in the best possible position to decide how to proceed.

When you recognize that their judgement and criticism had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them, and it will stop affecting you at all.