How To Spot Manipulation Tactics

Manipulative tendencies can surface in any relationship. Knowing what to look for can help you avoid them.

Manipulation can happen to anyone in all kinds of relationships, from friends and romantic partnerships to parents and family relationships. Even work colleagues and bosses might have manipulative tendencies.

Yet, manipulation can be hard to recognize.

Manipulation can sometimes be so subtle and effective, that you may wind up questioning your perception of the situation, rather than the other person’s actions or motives. Gaslighting can make discerning manipulative tactics especially difficult.

But by learning what to look for, you may be able to protect yourself from manipulation tactics before they start.

Spotting Common Manipulation Tactics

Manipulative people often use common manipulation tactics and behaviors to get what they want. Here’s what to look for:

1. Guilt Tripping. It’s when someone tries to make you feel responsible or guilty of your actions or decisions. Guilt trips often involve using something one person did for the other as “leverage” to get what they want.

Some examples might be:

  • “If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have gotten through college. You owe me.”
  • “Im the one working all the time, while you are just spending time doing nothing. I deserve this expense.”
  • If you can’t come over, then I might as well not invite anyone else over. There’s no point then.”

Lying

People with manipulative tendencies often lie to try to control or coerce others, as well as avoid blame or consequences for their actions.

For example, a teenager who’s been told they are not allowed to hang out with a particular group might lie about their whereabouts. Or, they may lie to the other parent about being permitted to go out with their friends.

“If one parent doesn’t check in with the other parent, the teen may be permitted to go with those friends.

Flattery

It can be hard to tell the difference between a compliment and flattery.

A compliment is given to sincerely point out something positive with no expectation of gain. But flattery is often used disingenuously as a tool to gain emotional leverage. With flattery, there’s often an expectation of getting something in return.

For instance, someone who wants a raise or promotion might regularly praise there manager’s strengths and accomplishments.

Projection

Projection happens when one person claims an emotion they’re feeling – such as jealousy that is actually being experienced by someone else.

For example, a person with manipulative tendencies might cause tension and frame, but blame so won’t else for creating that energy. Projection aids a person who manipulates in dodging responsibility for their actions and helps them avoid changing their behaviors. But, it can also erode your trusting your own reality.

If you think you might be projecting pause and ask yourself “Is this my stuff or their stuff?” This can help disrupt projection.

“Its really important that we don’t project our values onto a manipulator, because that just sets us up for a lot of disappointment and frustration.

Moving The Goalposts

Sometimes no matter how much you show up for someone who manipulates, they will change the expectations at the last minute to keep you constantly running toward their goalposts.

Someone who moves the goalposts can set you up for frustration and exhaustion.

With manipulative people you’re never going to actually reach those goalposts, and your efforts and success won’t be acknowledged if you do.

Believing in yourself, recognizing your own needs, and disengaging can be helpful for avoiding feelings of demoralization.

Working to understand your personal values, goals, and standards to feel like you met your own expectations.

Remind yourself that you’re just a human being, doing the best you can, and that is enough.

Triangulation

Triangulation can take on many forms, but often happens when a third person is brought into your communication, instead of keeping the issue between the two people it impacts.

For example, a manipulator might involve your mother in a disagreement to take their side against you. “Now, all of the sudden, you’re disagreeing with two people and the odds are not in your favor.”

Becoming aware of triangulation can help spot it. Try to disengage with “triangles” whenever they come up unfair.

This means you’re going to have to set and stick to some firm boundaries, but remember that boundaries are not meant to control people in a relationship with them in a healthy way. “Boundaries are not heartless, they’re actually really healthy.”

Love Bombing

Love bombing is manipulation through excessive attention, often showering you inappropriately with gifts compliments, affection and time.

These things may feel wonderful, which can be confusing. However, love bombing is when this feels enrapturing, it takes all your attention, and is excessive.

It might feel great a first but it usually leaves you isolated and makes you lose sight of who you are. Once you’ve been “swept away,” this attention might stop, and will leave you feeling like you’re seeking it out or chasing it down again,

If you’ve already experienced love bombing and are on the other side, give yourself the patience and work to forgive yourself. “You’re not blind.” A manipulative person took advantage of your normal human nature to want to feel loved and cherished.

Some ways to avoid love bombing include:

  • Regularly spending time with friends and family.
  • Engaging in your own interests outside of this person.
  • Check in with yourself often to ensure that you’re aligned with your values and standards.

Worshiping Through Tough Times

Worship is not something believers are called to do so God can reinforce His status. On the contrary, it is His way of calling us near. At times, when we are grieving, it can feel as though worship is the last discipline we want to engage with. However, learning the discipline of practicing worship and pursuing God’s presence , no matter what our present circumstance, is one of the most helpful practices we can cultivate in our daily lives.

In Philippians 4:4-7, God promises us peace that surpasses all knowledge and understanding; “And the peace of God, the transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.“

Before the Apostle Paul leads us to this promise though, we are first given a command and instruction: it is the key that unlocks our peace and causes us to intentionally seek joy: “Rejoice!” Worship will never erase our hurts and pain nor will it eradicate our grief in times of trouble, but it will transform it into unexplainable peace. A deep peace we could not receive or find at any other time in our lives.

Of Course, because we live in a fallen world, things that are beyond our control will happen in our everyday lives. Yet we can be equipped and empowered with the truth that protects and covers our hearts, mind and strength. When we intentionally choose to do this, our words become a form of comfort to our weary, and anxious hearts.

What if we, took Pauls’s instruction literally, and applied it practically to our lives? What if today we decided not to be riddled with anxiety and fear, but instead chose to rejoice? We can hand our troubles, anxieties and situations over to God who cares for us, who knows us deeply, and loves us unconditionally.

What if we choose to rejoice in the one who knows us by name, and who has called us because He is faithful? He will protect, provide and empower us by His Holy Spirit. Even if our feelings tell us that God has abandoned us, and we listen to our feelings of despair and devastation. By God’s grace we can choose to worship Him spirit and truth, no matter what life throws our way.

Philippians 4:4-7

Tips For Surviving A Wilderness Experience

There are times in our lives when we find ourselves in a barren desert place. We don’t feel like we are doing anything worthwhile in ou lives. Everything seems stagnant.

Perhaps we’re unemployed, feeling that we have no purpose, we lack close friendships, or an inability to have children (if we want them), illness, unanswered prayers to name a few.

It may be our turn in the wilderness and we feel withdrawn from everything in our lives. During these times we can feel completely alone.

Here are a few tips to obtain some form of sanity:

Don’t Complain or Grumble

It’s easy not to feel thankful about our situations when we cannot see a way out of it.

If you are familiar with the account in the Bible about the Israelites in the desert. They complained continuously and that had a detrimental effect on them, although it probably revealed a lot about the state of their hearts. They ended up wandering around in the wilderness for 40-years, when in fact it should have been a relatively short journey.

Complaining and constant grumbling about your situation is a sign of a lack of faith in God’s eyes. Especially when we can worship Him instead.

We should lift up our situation to God and trust His ability to do what’s best for us. We can pray about our situations without complaining about them.

Proverbs 18:21 tells us that, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.“

When you begin to phrases like “I hate my life” or I’ll never get out of this mess,” that colors our own perspective on everything. Soon your words will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You begin to hate every aspect of your life and find that in every aspect you are failing. Similarly complaining about God and making pronouncements about Him such as “you never bless me – you always bless someone else” can erode our own relationship with God and our sense of trust in Him.

Complaining also retires our brain so that you actually end up feeling worse as you internalize these words. It can become a habit which fills our minds with toxic thoughts.

Be Thankful

This is the opposite of the above. When we speak out or make positive affirmations even if we don’t believe them at first we begin to revitalize our faith.

When you feel you are lost in a wilderness situation with no hope, we need to give praise and thanksgiving to God. Remember these are not idle words they become life words. Speak these out loud as often as you can and they will have powerful effect on your situation.

Keep Looking Up

In Exodus 13: 21-22, The Lord went ahead of the Israelites in the clouds to guide them on their way and by night with a pillar of fire to give them light. They never left the place of the people. God will never,rave us or forsake us if we trust in Him. If we keep looking up, we will be guided.

If you look at the world, you’ll be distressed. If you look within you’ll be depressed. If you look to God, you’ll be at rest.

If we stop looking up for God to guide us, we will be unable to see where we are going. We will wander about in darkness and get lost. We’ll forget that God is nearby and ahead of us leading us through our wilderness (through the desert places).

Don’t Make The Thing You Lack Into An Idol

When our prayers go unanswered and God doesn’t seem to grant the very thing we want, it’s easy to become completely focused on the very thing we lack to the point of obsession.

Our desire or need night be perfectly legitimate, like having the job we want, or a relationship.

The Spiritual definition of an Idol is:

Something we cannot live without… It is anything more important than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give. A counterfeit god is anything so central and essential to your life that,should you lose it, your life would feel hardly worth living.

In Exodus 17 and Numbers 11:4-6, the Israelites began to hunger after another kind of food to the point they were obsessed with it. They were even willing to sacrifice their freedom in order to return to Egypt to eat anything but the manna which God provided for them each day. They allowed their desire for something other than God Himself to cloud their judgement and to become all consuming test they couldn’t live without it. In effect, they had made this into an idol.

In Exodus 32 the Israelites asked Aaron to fashion them a physical idol, which took the form of a golden calf and they began to worship themselves and to declare that this had brought them out of Egypt.

God is the only one who can meet our deepest needs. Don’t allow your identity to be based on the thing you lack.

If we look to some created thing to give us the meaning, hope, and happiness that only God Himself can give, it will eventually fail to deliver and is sure to break our hearts.

It’s very easy for something that seems perfectly legitimate to become the thing that gives our lives meaning or makes us who we are.

We may feel that our work or our relationships define us. However, if it Christ in who we find our identity.

The Valley’s Of Life

Everyone goes through a valley. As we go through life, there will be hills and there will be valley’s. There will be high times and low times. There will be great times where everything will just fall into place. But the valley’s will not be so great. They can be painful, hurtful, and disappointment.

Valley’s are a low point in our lives, it can be irrational, emotional. financial, or spiritual. Sometimes it is so low we can’t even explain it because we are confused ourselves.

But there is good news for us in the midst of these valleys. There will always better days. We can expect to find springs in the hills and mountains. What’s amazing is we can find springs in the valley also.

For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth in valleys and hills

Deuteronomy 8:7

If we notice that while we are in a valley, God provides springs of refreshing. The fact of the valley is part of God’s plan for you and I.

God is the God of the hills as well as the valley. God is available and is at work in our lives whether you are on the hillside, on top of the mountain or in the lowest valleys.

Life is made up of hills and valleys.

A valley can be discouraging and disappointing, it can be depressing. A valley can be doubt thinking that you will never get through a problem.

A valley can be a discouragement or depression. Life is moving in a direction you do not want to go. You’ll wonder where in the world is God going in my life.

The enemy wants you to think that when you are in the valley of trouble that God is absent. While God isn’t absent, it can be harder to see his light, but we just have to look closer – He is always there.

Remember that God is the hills is also the Gof of the valleys.

We will not live out entire lives in the hills or the mountains. We will not escape all the low points in life,

We will not always have health and wealth in our lives. There will also be trials by fire, disappointments. But we need to remember that Jesus was crucified. The apostle Paul wrote most of his books while he was in jail. Moses was 40 years in the wilderness before God greatly used him. King David was in hiding for 17 years.

King David’s thought his was going to die at the hand of his enemy Saul. But instead God raised him up.

Life can be that way.

Do you know what’s a danger when you are a valley? Instead of passing through the valley, we believe we own the valley. We don’t want to own the valley. Keep looking for the light.

Beloved, don’t be astonished at the fiery trial which has come upon you, to test you, as though a strange thing happened to you.

1 Peter 4:12

But man is born to trouble, as the sparks fly upward.

Job 5:7

Valleys are like a school designed to teach us and mature us. Valleys are very important.

Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you fall into various temptations, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. Let endurance have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Jacob 1:2-4

That the proof of your faith, which is more precious than gold that perishes even though it is tested by fire, may be found to result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Yeshua the Messiah.

1 Peter 1:7

We will not always know why we went through a trial. Some valley experiences will not be explained why in this life time. There are some things that do get answered in this life.

We can enter the valleys because we are unspiritual, or God is pruning us, so we will grow.

The valleys we visit:

  • The Valley Of Bachor. The valley of weeping and sorrow.

Blessed are those who dwell in your house. They are always praising you. Bless are those whose strength is in you; who have set their hearts on a pilgrimage (Journey). passing through the valley of weeping, they make it a place of springs. Yes, the autumn rain covers it with blessings.

Psalm 84:4-6

There are valleys that literally bring you to tears. It is a valley where tears become part of your life. But as you are in the valley of tears, God’s word says you can make or convert it into a spring, transforming tragedies into triumphs.

You may not be able to change your circumstances, but you can change the way you look at your circumstances.

Your problem can either push you down, or you can stand on your problems and push them down.

There are some things in life we cannot fix. When we come to a river, we build a bridge. When we get hungry and we don’t want to cook, we go to a restaurant. But there are some things in life we can do nothing about. We cannot fix the attitude that is in that of another person.

The Valley Of Achor. Where you cause trouble for yourself and others..

This is where you cause trouble for yourself and others. It is caused by being selfish and greedy. God had given the command that when the city of Jericho is captured, everything in the city belongs to God. But Achan decided to take what was God’s as his.

Joshua 7:24-26

He stole:

He though no one would know.

Total judgement.

Do you know how you trouble yourself and others?

Unconfessed sin or hidden sin or hidden habits.

If we live in unconfused sin or hidden sin thinking it will not affect others. We will surly enter the valley of Achor.

Every time a person goes through a valley of trouble , there is always a door of Hope. If we want to leave the valley of trouble, we must go through the door of Hope. We must decide to take action. When we do, we’ll walk out of the valley of trouble through the door of hope and back into the wide place of God’s blessing.

Satan will tell you, “ No, you’re in the valley and you’ve got to stay there. You can’t get out. It’s a valley with no exit.”

I have met people who have been in the valley of trouble for 10-15 years. When they realize what got them there and how easy it would be to walk through the door of hope into God’s blessing, I wonder, “Why didn’t someone tell them?”

You may be stuck in the valley of trouble, but there’s always a door. You must simply decide to go through it.

If you’re in the valley of Achor (trouble) to avoid judgement you need to examine yourself.

But a man must examine himself, and in so doing he is to eat of the bread and drink of the cup (communion).

1 Corinthians 11:28

For he who eats and drinks, eats and drinks judgement to himself if he does not judge the body rightly. For this reason many among you are weak and sick, and a number sleep. But if we judge ourselves rightly, we will not be judged.

1 Corinthians 11:29-31

The Valley Of Discussion Or Indecision.

Multitudes, multitudes in the valley of decision. For the day of the Lord is near,in the valley of decision.

Joel 3:14

The worst time to make a decision is when you are in a valley. God says, pray and ask make no decisions until I answer and guide you in the way you should go.

The Valley Of No Spiritual Refreshing.We may be in a valley of drought. Our souls seem like a dust desert.

The Valley Of Dry Bones.

The hand of the Lord was upon me, and be brought me out by the spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones; I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry.

Ezekiel 37: 1-14

Choose to learn from your valleys.

As you go through your valley God will teach you, if you let Him. Ask; “Lord do you wish to teach me from the valley I am in right now.’

When you’re in a valley m don’t forget the Word of God, don’t forget to pray, and don’t forget to be with other believers. Get people to pray with you and for you.

Live life with a mission. That is to serve God. Choose to be involved in a ministry.

If you are in a valley, don’t deny that you are in a valley.

Don’t try and hurry through a valley. I have found if you try and hurry through a valley you will soon find yourself in the same Valley. Learn all you can from the valley you are in, so you done have to be in it again.

Don’t blame others for your valley. Accept that God is trying to equip you for the future,