Why Some People Can’t Change

There is no such thing as standing still in life. If you’re not moving forward, you’re moving backward.

It’s baffling how some people seem to identify a problem in their lives, decide they want t change themselves, and start changing; while others don’t seem to be to take positive steps like that.

Some people seem to stay stuck no matter how hard they try. They might read-help books, talk to friends and family, go to therapy, or even see multiple therapists. But nevertheless, their issues don’t seem to improve.

If this is someone you care about, you might watch helplessly from the sidelines as they continue to be their own worse enemy. They might seem to repeating patterns that are self-destructive, unable to hear or take others advice, or distant and unreachable. It is painful to watch.

It’s even more painful when it’s you, and you are watching yourself live this way.

In my last 7 years of experience as facilitator of a mental illness group. I’ve seen some traits that can stall even the most deserving and lovable people.

Here are some of those traits:

You Can’t See The Path

When you’ve spent years living a certain way, that becomes your reality and your worldview. Other people seem to be living on a different planet, and you can’t understand how they got there. It’s hard to attain something that you can’t even imagine.

You Are Walled Off

Growing up feeling unloved, unacceptable or unsafe can force a child to erect walls around themselves for their protection. Those walls are helpful in childhood, but in adulthood, they block out the people who can help you the most. It can be difficult to trust the people who could be supporting you. You find yourself safe but alone; trapped within walls that are holding you back.

I tell you from experience that those walls are very difficult to break down. I fought this for years, but when you see a glimmer of hope don’t give up.

Comfortably Uncomfortable

Self-destructive or damaging life-patterns can also be so enriched that they’ve been a part of who you are. No matter what’s wrong in your life, you can get accustomed to it. Our brains store life patterns, and we have a natural tendency to settle into them. We are who we are, and on some level, we get comfortable with that, even if it makes us miserable. The idea of changing can feel very discomforting and scary. It feels easier and safer to choose the devil.

Depression

Depression interferes with growth in three important ways. It saps your energy and motivation, which makes it harder to take on a challenge; it makes you isolate yourself so that you have less support to change; and it makes you feel hopeless, so there seems no point in even trying to change.

Angry At Youself

Self-directed anger has a way of breaking you down. Like drops of water n a stone, there is gradual erosion of your self-worth. How can you change when you don’t feel you’re worth the effort it requires?

Setting Boundaries

We often have trouble setting boundaries for yourselves. It’s easier to just do every thing yourself that to tell people what you do or don’t want. If you don’t tell people what you like and don’t like how are they supposed to know.

I struggled with setting boundaries myself. I chose to let people walk all over me and then cry or complain about it every night. Setting boundaries can be as simply as telling someone. I don’t like it when you… “walk right by me unloading groceries and don’t offer to even help.”

Powerful Truth

Our response to the Truth of Jesus determines how we will receive His blessings, and how we will extend God’s love to this generation.

The fact is if you want to know the power of God’s Truth you’ll have to soften your heart.

How do people respond to the truth?

John 12 37-47:

Even after Jesus had preformed so many signs in their presence, they still would not believe in Him. This is to fulfill the word of Isaiah the prophet: “Lord, who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?”

For this reason they could not believe, because, as Isaiah says everywhere: He has blinded their eyes and hardened their hearts nor turn and I would heal them. The crowds had truth standing before them, yet Jesus said to them… Yet because I tell the truth, you do not believe me. Can any of you prove me guilty of sin? If I’m telling the truth,why don’t you believe me? Whoever belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God.

In John 14:7. Pilate had Truth standing right in front of him yet…

In John 18:37-38. Pilate then said “You are a king, then.”

Jesus answered, “You can say that I am a king. In fact the reason I was born and came into the world is to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me. “What is truth?” retorted Pilate. It is not just the crowds and people like Pilate resist Truth.

Mark 6:51-52 says That then he climbed into a boat with then and the wind died drown. They (the disciples) were completely amazed for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts

Mark 8:17-18. Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked them: “Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?”

Yet the Truth is powerful, able to set us free from sin.

John 8:31-32. To the Jewish people who had believed him, Jesus said “If you hold my teachings, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Let’s think about the verse a bit. Here are some points before we move on:

1.This promise is quoted quite a bit. But it is made to people who are truly disciples of Jesus. If you abide to my teachings, you are truly disciples.

Think about Judas. He was sent with the other 11 disciples to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out demons.’ Yet Judas was not a true follower of Jesus. He hardened his heart to the point that Satan himself could enter it. -John 13- The truth doesn’t make you free unless you respond to it properly.

2.The words most often translated in the Bible are truth or truly.

It means reliable, or valid. It may be the most like what we think when we say the word “truth” in English.

The other, which is used here is, aleitheia. It means

The important thing Jesus wants of us and for us is relationship. It’s that relationship that is liberating. As Jesus would.

Pure Intentions

You can say that you’re a certain type of person, but if you don’t act like that type of person, no one is going to see you as that type. For example, you can say that you’re a gentleman, but if you use a lot of profanities, vulgar, and foul language or if you say a lot of inappropriate things or ask inappropriate questions early on even if you ask for inappropriate pictures to be sent to you before even meeting. People are not going to think that your have good manners, let alone consider you to be a gentleman. There is simply nothing gentlemanly about doing things like that.

Obviously, that’s merely one example. Another would be that someone may consider themselves to be giving, loving, and a warm person, but from theirs actions, they come across as cold, unaffectionate, or even distant in different ways.

My point is, you may see yourself as a certain way, or in a certain light, but in reality, if your actions aren’t aligned with your words, your not that way. Many people hope to become the best version of themselves, and believe in self-improvement, striving to be a better person each and every day. But just because someone has the desire, and that’s a really good thing, it doesn’t necessarily mean that a person is in fact who or what they claim to be.

Your actions and words need to be aligned. So just because you desire to be a certain way and you’re not that certain way, you’re basically lying to them, misleading them, and not acting as your authentic self.

I had a situation where a lady that had an entirely opposite outlook on life than me. Every time she sees me she follows me and it irritates the heck out of me. I am a loving caring person almost all the time.

There’s a quote that says “Some people will never like you because your spirit irritates their demons.” Well her demons irritates my spirit.

Your actions and words need to be aligned. Because you desire to be a certain way. When to tell someone that you’re a certain way you need to be that certain way.

It isn’t always fun being a certain way. But if you’re intentions are pure. Hold fast to your intentions.

Do You Have Tunnel Vision?

When it comes to developing situational awareness, tunnel vision is a big deal. Effective situational awareness is developed from having a broad perception of the environment in which you are operating. As your focus narrows, you start to miss things. Those “missed things” are like lost puzzle pieces, leaving holes in your understanding of what is happening, and then your situational awareness is flawed.

Tunnel Vision

Tunnel vision is defined as one’s tendency to focus on a single goal or point of view. The more important the goal or the more threatening a stimulus is perceived to be, the more likely a person is to focus attention on it, in the first responder arena, tunnel vision is a big deal because much of what responders do is high risk and high consequences. Responders are also goal driven, sometimes to the detriment of their own safety.

Beyond Vision

While tunnel vision can limit perception, it can also have a debilitating effect on hearing. From the perspective of brain science, this makes sense. Let me explain. There is a tight connection between the audible and visual processors in the brain.

When audible messages come in, they are processed in the audible cortex. There they are packaged up and sent off to the visual cortex. There they are formed into images. You already know this if you have ever witnessed someone saying “I see what you’re saying” or if you’ve ever heard someone say “Do you see what I mean” after giving a verbal explanation to something.

Double Duty

The visual cortex in your brain has to do double duty. It has to process visual information sent by the eyes and it has to process audible information sent by the ears. The problem is, there’s only so much capacity in the processor and when it reaches its max, something has to give. What gives depends on what the person is paying attention to.

If you are highly focused on a visual stimulus, your visual cortex may not process your audible messages. The result is, you don’t hear something. In science, it is called auditory exclusion.

Think of your visual processor as a checkout counter at a busy supermarket. At the counter is a very needy customer causes the clerk to focus all her attention on them. The same thing happens when the brain focuses on a piece of visual information. All of the brain’s attention is consumed.

Then, up to the counter another customer strolls. This customer cannot be waited on because the first customer is so needy and time consuming. In a fit of frustration the second customer storms out of the store, leaving all their groceries in the basket, vowing never to return.

In this instance, the second customer is a piece of audible information trying to get serviced by the check out clerk. (the visual processor) This is exactly what can happen when a piece of audible information cannot make its way into the visual processor in the brain. When it can’t get in, it leaves and it never returns. And the auditory exclusion- the person does not hear what is said.

The only way the store is going to make the sale is if the customer decides to return later on. In the case of excluded audible information, the only way the brain is going to hear the message is if the sender decides to repeat it.

Now, let’s reverse the process. The needy customer at the checkout counter is now representative of the audible information and the customer waiting in line is representative of visual information. The visual information cannot be processed and the responder will not see the clue.

There is one minor variation to what happens when the visual information is denied entry into the processor. It does leave the store in a fit of rage. Rather, it will just go do some more shopping or go to the next counter and be processed. The stroll to the counter comes in the way of continuing scanning the visual environment. When the visual clue gets seen again and the counter clerk is not tied up, the information gets processed.

Signs Of Tunnel Vision

It may be difficult to recognize you’re suffering from tunnel vision because you may be unaware of what you’re not hearing and what you’re not seeing. Recognizing that you’re suffering from tunnel vision is an important step toward working your way out of it.

Common signs include:

  • Having an intense focus on a visual stimuli that results in screening out of peripheral sights and sounds.
  • Displaying irritation with anyone or anything that interrupts your focus.
  • Being rigid and unwilling to accept suggestions to change your action plan.
  • Refusing offers for assistance, including offers to lighten your workload.
  • Confusion with what is going on around you, because you’re only seeing or hearing part of the message.
  • Being told things by others that don’t make sense.

Signs The Enemy Is After You

The enemy is a trickster and will use any tactic he can to get you to renounce Your Faith.

He shudders every time you renounce Christ. For everything that believers demonstrate a life in line with Christ, you are the enemy’s greatest temptation because he has an uncontrollable desire to shift you away from living a Godly life. Sometimes we don’t even know when he’s tempting us, because his attempts are so subtle. If you’ve ever felt like you were under attack by a negative force beyond yourself, that’s the enemy working to break you down.

Here are some signs the enemy is after you. It’s important that you recognize these so that you are not defeated.

Broken Faith

Have recent life situations and occurrences caused you to drift off course of your spiritual journey? While many of us have busy lives and busy schedules, if you’re constantly coming up with excuses for why you are no longer committed to being in active communication with God, you are probably being fed lies by the enemy. The enemy is a saboteur, one who deliberately destroys and obstructs. He will actively attempt to get you off course with God by telling you it’s okay to deviate from God, sometimes it’s in subtle ways, you wouldn’t be dealing with the situation you’re in.

Depression

By definition, depression is having feelings of severe dependency and detection. It causes feelings of sadness and loss of interest and can be a major clinical issue. When we’re going through a period of depression, the enemy is whispering lies to create self-doubt and sabotage us. These feelings are not in line with what God wants for us. We are told this in Proverbs 16:20 “He that Handles a matter wisely shall find good: and whoever trusts in theLord happy is he.”

James 4:7 is a great verse that reminds us to submit ourselves to God. If we focus on the positive and not our discouragement, the enemy has no place. If we resist the devil, he will flee from us,

Addiction

When it comes to addiction, 1 Peter 5:8 tells us to “Be sober-Minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” Addiction can manifest in many ways including: drugs, alcohol, pornography, food, work, even shopping, all destructive tools to control you. The enemy gets you to fulfill it outside of God so that you feel complete emptiness and dependency on your addiction.

Abusive Relationships

You may think that in an abusive relationship you are simply targeted by your partner but abusive relationships are major indicators of the enemy’s presence. He is choosing you as his victim because he wants you beaten down in body and spirit, and this is not in line with what God wants for you. The Bible actually forbids physical or verbal abuse in marriages which can also be applied to relationships outside of marriage, Colossians 3:19 says “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” Abuse is not a reflection of God’s love, just an attempt by the enemy to break you and your relationship down.

Telling Lies

God frowns when we lie. Lying is actually on the list of the seven things that are detestable to the Lord, along with a false witness who pours our lies. -Proverbs 6:16-19- The irony of a lie is that the enemy’s who is the father of lies is whispering lies to us to sabotage our lives and the lives of others. We may not think of the initial impact of our lies when we tell them, but it stirs up conflict and causes us to live lives outside of God’s vision for us.