From Pity to Praise

I don’t claim to have all the answers by any means. Although it seems many depressed individuals don’t have a healthy way to get their emotions out.

We are emotional creatures, and we were born to express emotions freely and openly. Somewhere along the way, however, many of us learned to repress emotions, especially those deemed “negative,” in order to fit in, earn love, and be accepted.

I grew up in a home where the motto was “Children are to be seen, not heard.” Emotional expression was not allowed, let alone accepted. No one was there to validate or help process emotions in a healthy way. Anger was met with anger, fear wants unacknowledged, and there was plenty of shame to go around.

There wasn’t a model on how to deal with difficult emotions. And when those emotions showed up, I often felt overwhelmed and inadequate, and ashamed of my failure.

I learned to bury my pain deep inside, feeling invisible, angry, alone, and unable to ask for what I needed. Trying to hide the pain from others and myself -I built walls, put on masks,and soldered on. For better or worse.

At age 12 I began drinking, because that’s what I seen my parents and by siblings do. All I knew was I wanted the pain to go away. Drinking let to marijuana, and marijuana led to cocaine. And all the pain from that I buried too.

My pain was buried so deep, I didn’t realize it was there until I had by own children. Having my daughter opened up old wounds, and the house of cards I had built began to unravel.

In my late 20’s the depression came creeping in. Knowing I never wanted to do to my children what my mother had done to me. I tried my hardest to set an good example for my children. But, I found myself taking prescription opioids to dull my pain and put my mask around them, and dealt with my repressed memories and emotional residue that to this day has left my suffering from joint pain, migraines, and nerve damage in my face.

After years of therapy sessions, and a husband that stood by me the whole way. Not saying we didn’t struggle through it. But he never left. I am stronger than ever today. And I’ve definitely learned a few things along the way.

The truth is, we all hide our emotions occasionally. We pretend, avoid, and deny uncomfortable emotions in an effort of self-preservation, as a defense mechanism.

We do this most often with difficult emotions like shame, fear, or anger. When we experience events that emotionally overwhelm us and we’re unable to process what is happening, accept our emotions, and express them through our body and mind, we hide them where others can’t see them, and from ourselves too. But they’re still there.

Our unresolved emotions gets trapped in our body where they build and fester, draining our energy, leading to burn-out, emotional imbalance and then eventually disease. We create toxicity in our body, mind, and heart.

So, how do we process the emotional energy that’s stuck inside our body? Here’s a few steps, I learned along the way,

1. Self-Awareness

The challenge is to recognize the emotion and feel it in your body. This is where mindfulness comes in. The goal is to notice what it happening within your body, accept it, and feel it fully, without any judgment.

There’s a teaching done on radical acceptance by Tara Brach. The practice of R.A.I.N it’s stands for:

R – Recognize

A – Allow

I – Investigate

N – Nourish

With compassion, and it directly de-conditions the habitual ways in which you resist your moment to moment experience. Acceptance is liberating and the practice of the R.A.I.N. technique teaches us to accept our moment to moment experiences instead of running from it.

When we face difficulties head-on, with self-compassion and the understanding that it will eventually pass we will get through it.

We have to feel it to heal it. We have to fully experience the emotion in order to process and integrate it into our experience.

If the process of including our feelings and observing the body’s sensations connected to those feelings as they come and go throughout the day. But, offering yourself self-compassion as you go through the difficult emotions.

Sit still for a few minutes a day with your eyes closed and listen to your body. Ask yourself:

• What does you body feel like right now?
• It there are pressure or tingling? where?
• Do you feel heavy, hot, warm, cold? Contracted?
• What are those sensations connected to?

2. Self-Expression

Emotions need to be expressed to be processed. The goal is gto move the energy of emotion through and out of your body so you can let it go.

Self-expression needs to be authentic and embodied. True healing occurs when the mind and the body integrate, so express the emotions on a bodily level first.

While sitting quietly ask yourself :

• What does this emotion you just connected with need from you?
• What feels right in this moment?
• What do you need?

Maybe it’s a good cry, or scream into your pillow, going swimming, walking, running, hitting a punching bag, writing or painting it out, or simply breathing – whatever feels cleansing at that moment, do it.

When we free poisonous emotions that are carried within our, we free ourselves from it’s shackles.

I believe that one of the best forms of emotional healing is journaling. Writing can be a very therapeutic experience of self-discovery. It reconnects our true selves and processes our deepest feelings and emotions.

By writing about our fears and hurts we can look at them from a distance, detach from the grip they have on us and eventually let them go. That release can be truly healing,

Your journal can become a safe space for you to free yourself, get unstuck, and move forward.

We often don’t have the time and space to process emotions at the moment, so make sure you allow yourself the space to feel the emotions you’ve had throughout the day and journal about them at the end of the day.

3. Self-Care

If we’ve habitually neglected our bodies and ignored our emotions, we have to re-dedicate ourselves to body-mind self-care and indulge in healing habits that will bring in the feeling of well-being.

I have to admit I’m terrible at taking care of myself. It seems I can always take care of everyone but me.

The goal is to realign back with your authentic self, reset back to a relaxed and open state and come back into wellness and balance.

Take time for yourself to slow down, and be alone, get out into nature, and listen to music, cook your favorite dinner, take the time to do a mind cleanse and relax your body, a bubble bath, or a nap to restore your. Take good care of yourself and awaken to life’s little joys and simple pleasures that will nourish your body, mind and soul.

With mindfulness, you can allow your pain to surface, even if it’s for a brief time, and then surround it with love and care. I wish I could say you can heal without drugging up the old emotions. But, sadly you can not, we have to feel to heal, The only way out is through the body – so in order to move the stuck emotions that have a tight grip on you.

You have to allow them and accept them, feel the anger, the shame, and the grief. Learn to give your inner child the support they never received. Slowly you will learn to listen and validate your pain and to love and accept yourself.

Healing is a taxing process. Give yourself all the care and compassion you would give a friend who is doing this hard work. Offer yourself understanding, love, and care. This is hard work, do your best with what you’ve got,

Trapped emotions get in our way. They sabotage our efforts to create the life we want and make us miserable along the way. But healing brings liberation and you are worth it.