Warning: can be a trigger for some.
For much of my life, I have struggled against the aftermath of unresolved childhood trauma.
For years I didn’t even know how much of a problem it was. I thought it was completely normal to expect the worse, to hide the family secrets, to cry myself to sleep. I didn’t realize I was broken until after my daughter was born. Then I realized what I had been dealing with my entire life wasn’t the result of being “broken” or “born that way,” but it was a significant, understandable, and treatable response to a bad childhood.
I admit it was freeing, to know there as something better out there. I began reading every self-help book I could get my hands on. And began to feel better.
But, then the fog came. Somewhere in the mix I began to break down and seek counseling. With the impact of what my counselor told me, my entire identity up until that point in life had been formed around trauma. I didn’t know who I was without it.
What I liked to do in my free time? What I liked eating? What my favorite color? Was I funny, or more serious? I needed to learn a lot about myself, and I was going to have to start from scratch.
Through it all, I had to make peace with my past and untangle the trauma. And realize my identity and narrative were forced om me – one of defeat and self-hate. I lived that narrative because that was all I knew. I might as well have been introducing myself as “the girl whose mother didn’t love me,”
But, that narrative was not mine. It was not my name, it was not what I had to answer to. There was more, so much more.
I had to start from a place I knew, which wasn’t very much. I had to delve into a place and make that my beginning.
I decided to start at the root of the issue and expose the bad roots and begin with new good nourished roots. That meant identifying my inner child, the wounded parts, that developed as survival mechanisms. How the old trauma and difficulties underlined my present-day struggles. The closer I got to the core trauma, the more I realized how my childhood trauma shaped my life in the present.
I had to learn to use mindfulness to stay in the present and manage emotional flashbacks. To create physical and emotional safety in my current life.
I think managing the emotional flashbacks was the worst. Waking up with night terrors, the horrible nightmares, waking up with my entire body in muscle spasms, because I had tensed up my body when I slept, expecting my blankets and clothing to be ripped off at any moment.
It was a difficult time, but I made it through and I’m stronger for it. I had to create a new identity that involved transforming from a reactive survival mode, and I had to transition into an intentional identity, focusing on who I chose to be. I had to shift from seeing myself as a victim to a survivor, breaking the cycle of negative internal dialogues, and establishing a sense of worth.
Recognizing that the abuse was not my fault was the first step to detaching my self-worth from the trauma. I had to rebuild myself by discovering what truly gave me joy, or peace, rather than doing things out of obligation.
I learned how to meet my own emotional and physical needs and treat myself with kindness and compassion that I previously lacked.
It was a long, process, a non-linear journey of retraining my nervous system. And I don’t think I could have done it without God watching over me every step of the way.
“Healing from trauma isn’t about forgetting what happened, it’s about teaching your nervous system that the danger is no longer here. And every small moment of safety you create counts” -anonymous
From Pity to Praise 