Power Is It Good Or Bad?

Personal power is often confused with the control of others. Personal power frees people from the need to control or be controlled. Personal power is not power or control over someone or something else., either overt or covert. A speaker has personal power by focusing on the message and by choosing direct. And clear words that deliver that message: this allows them to get on with the business of problem-solving. Exploring alternatives and making decisions.

This message covers assertiveness skills that are involved in developing and keeping personal power. The discussions begins with blocks- things that keep people from being powerful-and then considers the use of power-language, the identification of personal rights, the right to say ”no” and the importance of an assertive inner dialogue.

Blocks to Assertiveness.

Many people who know what assertiveness is and how to use it, and what it’s benefits are, still aren’t assertive. Why not? When they start listing the reasons why assertiveness ” won’t work” in particular, situations, they come up with reasons like” it won’t do any good, ” and I really can handle it- her just die.” I couldn’t handle it- I’m not tough enough.”

These reasons are blocks to assertiveness. They are really self-imposed boundaries, and the fears they express are exaggerated: he won’t actually die, and I really can handle it. People use these block to deflect the focus of the action and the responsibility onto the other: what the other person might think, feel or act. The speaker then, continues to act in the say old way: passive/aggressive.

Fears, Fears, Fears.

People block themselves from communicating effectively because of fears such as these.

Fears of taking responsibility for self.

Fear of taking risks.

Fear of telling their thoughts or feelings.

Fear of feelings: projections of feeling onto another.

Fears related to past experiences.

The most common blocks.

Blaming- people block themselves by blaming someone or something else. I’d be happier with my job if it weren’t for my boss or my body makes me feel like I wish I were dead, or you make me sad.

Inappropriate behavior. (it would be so rude). Using this block the speaker focuses on what is acceptable behavior: polite, nice. The speaker may avoid assertive behavior such as saying ”no” sharing information about feelings and thoughts or confronting others because it might be abrasive or pushy or crabby.

It’s harmful and wasteful. ( it’s more trouble than it’s worth). People often excuse themselves from being responsible by citing reasons why it’s not worth the trouble. They might contend that it’s harmful. ”I don’t want to hurt my Father.” or it’s a waste of time. My boss has better things to do with her time than worry about how I feel. Some people contend that being assertive, in some situations, doesn’t work. ”i start asserting myself, he’ll just stop listening to me. I’ll be worse off than I am now.

Fear of rejection ( He’ll never talk to me again). A common reason some speakers cite for not being assertive is that they may be personally rejected by the other. ” He’ll laugh in my face” or ”She’ll never listen to what I have to say.”

Fear of a response (Who know what she’ll do?) People who use this block focus on how the other person will react, and often foresee drastic consequences. ” (He’ll never speak to me again” or ”She’ll throw my clothes out into the street.

Fear of losing control (That’d be just too much.” Many speakers have a fear of losing control of themselves or of the other person. Some fear that if they’re assertive, they’ll lose control and cry, or get angry, or do something they’ll always regret. ”I might walk out.” Others fear that if they’re assertive they’ll lose their accustomed control over the other person. ”If I don’t tell him whom to work with on this project, he’ll pick the wrong people, and it’ll end up being a sloppy job.”

Fear that the other person can’t handle it. Some speakers assume that the other person cannot handle the information, and must be protected from the facts. ”He’s having a difficult time right now. That’ll just drive him over the edge or she’ll have a nervous breakdown.

Saying ”I don’t know how.” Often people excuse themselves from being assertive by saying I don’t know how to be assertive, this may meaning I don’t know and I don’t want to know or it may mean I don’t know how and really do- I just don’t want to talk about it. A very common version is this one: I don’t understand what you mean by feelings. The I DON’T KNOW block withholds information, puts the other person down, and sets the speakers apart from the listener.

Your Life Will Be Better If You Pursue Meaning Instead OF Happiness.

You don’t become happy by pursuing happiness. You become happy by living a life that means something.

If you’re feeling unmotivated, unsure of yourself, aimless, you’re not alone. Many people are in the same boat.

Today right now is the best time ever to choose to do something that truly matters. Something meaningful to you.

Meaning is enduring. It connects the past to the present to the future. The more meaningful our lives feel. The more joy we experience.

Meaningful activities generate positive emotions and deepen social connections, both of which increase your satisfaction with life.

Research shows that focusing on happiness in life is actually self-defeating.

Happiness is the wrong pursuit!

Many people have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose

In fact, you won’t be as happy in life as you expect if you got a promotion tomorrow or even get 15% increase in salary.

You will be glad in the short term, but in the long-term, you won’t necessarily be happy.

Don’t spend your valuable time seeking your own happiness. You will end up feeling more shallow than you can ever imagine.

Pursuing meaning however makes you feel good about yourself because you are pursuing something bigger than yourself.

Something that make you come alive.

When you understand how you contribute value, you will attach meaning to even the smallest thing you do and connect the dots between your efforts and a larger purpose. The most motivating choices are ones that align with your why and your purpose.

When our definition of happiness is synonymous with pleasure and easy gratification won’t intimately bring us deeper feelings of fulfillment; it won’t allow us to live on our sweet spot. Although we claim the pursuit of happiness is our inalienable right and primary drive of the human race, we humans do better pursuing fulfillment and meaning- creating lives that generate the feelings that we matter.

One of the best ways to derive fulfillment as an employee is to work on projects you initiate. Something you are responsible for.

If you can make initiates and implement a lot of your own ideas, instead of reacting to actions others expect of you, your chances of finding fulfillment could double.

For many people, reactionary actions take up more of their days work than actions they initiate.

Choose your pursuits prodently!

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.

Mark Twain

Who you pursue something is as equally important as what you pursue.

Start something greater than yourself.

Something you truly believe in.

Your pursuit should be meaningful to you.

Purpose eases the pain of the, long hours and gives you the fortitude to fail.

It makes menial tasks meaningful and even fulfilling.

Many historic innovators of our time started something with the underlying belief that they can create something of great and lasting significance what others are not willing to do.

And guess what they found fulfillment in the process, no matter how small the pursuit was.

When you seek purpose, you acknowledge room for possibility.

It challenges you – and it invites others to help you pursue something of greater significance to you and the rest of the world.

Choose to be your authentic self.

Let go of who you think you should be, embrace who you are and watch the magic of purposeful pursuit unfold.

Tactics Manipulators Use to Win and Confuse You

To know your Enemy is good advice when dealing with a manipulator. It allows you to respond strategically. Most people react in ways that escalate abuse and or play into the hands of the abuser to make you feel small, guilty, doubt yourself, retreat, and allow unacceptable behavior. Understanding what they’re up to empowers you.

When people behave passive-aggressive, what appears passive is defensive is covert aggression. It’s debatable to what extent their behavior is conscious or unconscious. To the victim, it doesn’t matter. The effect is the same. Being overly-empathic puts you in jeopardy of being mistreated again and again. When someone attacks you overtly or convert, they’re being aggressive.

Covert manipulators intentionally say and do things to get what they want- for power and control. For example, characterology disturbed, such as sociopaths and narcissists and some people with a borderline personality disorder. Their tactics may be unconsciously in a way that defense mechanisms normally operate. However, their behavior is so habitual that over time it becomes reflexive. They don’t even think about it, but are still conscious of it.

Goals of a Manipulator.

The goal of manipulation is to gain influence to get our needs met, but habitual manipulators. Do so for power and control and use deceptive and abusive methods. Manipulators maintain domination through continuous, recurring, emotional manipulation, aggressive, abuse, and coercive control. Often they’re passive-aggressive. They may lie or act caring or hurt or shocked by your complaints- all to deflect any criticism and to continue to behave in an unacceptable manner. In maintaining control to do what they wish, manipulators aim.

They do this to:

To Avoid being confronted.

To put you on the defensive.

To make you doubt yourself and your perceptions.

To hide their aggressive intent.

To avoid responsibly.

To not have to change.

Eventually, you are victimized and lose trust in yourself and your feelings and perceptions. Gaslighting is a treacherous, disabling form of manipulation.

Covert Manipulative Tactics.

Manipulation may include overt aggression, such as criticism, narcissistic abuse, and subtle forms of emotional abuse. Favorite concert weapons of manipulators are; guilt, complaining, comparing, lying, denying, feigning ignorance or innocence (who me!), blame, bribery, undermining, mind games, assumptions, reversals, emotional blackmail, evasiveness, forgetting, ignoring, fake concern, sympathy, apologizes, flattery, and gifts and favors. Typical tactics are described below.

Lying

Habitual liars sometimes lie when it’s necessary. They aren’t lying because they’re afraid and guilty, but to confuses you and do what the want. Some simultaneously put you on the defensive with accusations and other manipulative tactics.

Lying may also be indirect through vagueness and/or omission of material information though everything else said is true. For example, a cheater might say he or she was working late or at the gym, but not admit to a adulterous rendezvous.

This isn’t denial that’s unconscious, lie not realizing you’re being abused, have an addiction, or are avoiding facing difficult truth. This is conscious denial to disclaim knowledge of promises, agreements, and behavior. Denial also includes minimization and rationalization or excuses. The manipulator acts as if you’re making a big deal over nothing or rationalize and excuses his or her actions to make you doubt yourself or even to gain sympathy.

Avoidance

Manipulators want to avoid being being confronted and taking responsibility at all costs. They may avoid conversations about their behavior by simply refusing to discuss it. This might be combined with an attack, lie, “You’re always nagging me,” putting you on the defensive with blame, guilt, or shame.

Avoidance can be subtle and unnoticeable when a manipulator shifts the subject. It may be camouflaged with boasting, compliments, or remarks you want to hear, like. “You know how much I care about you.” You might forget why you were upset in the first place.

Another avoidance tactic is evasiveness that blurs the facts, confuses you and plants doubt. I once was in a relationship who claimed because I was to precise and he was a gloss-over kind of guy. He felt uncomfortable because I asked too many questions and note inconsistencies in his half truths. He was a manipulator. I’ve experienced this so many times. I need someone who is truthful and kind. Although it was easy for me to give someone the benefit of the doubt and go into denial when your hopeful about a relationship. If you have doubts don’t staying in a relationship lie this. Avoid it at all costs. Your life will reaps the rewards.

Blame, Guilt, and Shame

These tactics include projection, a defense where the manipulator accuses others of his/hers behavior. Manipulators believe” The best defense is a good defense, by shifting blame, the aggrieved person is now on the defensive. The manipulator remains innocent and free to carry on, while their victims now feel guilt and shame.

Abusers are known to blame their victims or anyone else. Addicts typically blame the addiction on other people, their demanding boss or “bitchy” spouse.A criminal defendant with no defense will attack the police on their methods of collecting evidence. Rapists used to be able to attack the reputation of their victims. In a domestic violence case, the husband, who had beaten his wife, blames her for his violence.

Guilt-tripping and shaming shift the focus onto you, which weakens you while the abuser feels superior. Martyrs use guilt when the say imply, “After all I’ve done for you…” sometimes combined with criticism that you’re selfish or ungrateful.

Shaming goes beyond guilt to make you feel inadequate. It demeans you as a person, your traits, or role, not just your actions. ‘The children would behave if the had a father who knew how to parent (or made a decent living.) comparing is a subtle, but powerful form of shaming. It’s harmful when parents compare siblings with each other or with playmates. Some spouses compare their mate to their ex to have the upper hand by making their mate feel inferior.

Guilt or shames may include “blaming the victim” for example, you find evidence on your partners phone that he or she is flirting. Your partner acts outraged that you went into their phone. Now he or she has switched the focus onto you. By playing the victim, your partner avoids a confrontation about flirting, which may also be lied about, minimized, or circumvented altogether. You, the real victim, feel guilty for spying, undercutting and justified anger, and may thereby allow the flirting to continue unaddressed.

Imtimadation

Intimidation isn’t always with direct threats, but can be subtle. Intimidation can be achieved with a look or tone and statements alike. “I always get my way,” “no ones ones-irreplaceable,” “ The grass is always greener,” “ I have methods and friends in high places,” “You’re not so young anymore” or “ have you considered the repercussions of that decision?”

Another strategy is telling a story meant to provoke fear, such as “She left her husband and lost her kids, their house, everything” or “I fight to win I once almost killed a guy.”

I actually had a guy tell me if I ever tried to leave him we were going to go for a ride and he would drive off a cliff and kill us both. What would you do in that situation? I waited until he left for work the next day. And I packed my things and was gone. There is absolutely no reason to stay in a relationship with an manipulator, don’t try and convince yourself you love him or her.

playing the Victim

This is distinct from blaming the victim. Rather than blame you, this “poor me” tactic arouses your guilt and sympathy so I’ll do their bidding. “ I don’t know what I’ll you if you don’t help me.” More disordered personalities often threaten suicide if you leave. It can also take the form of “you don’t care about me,” “ Why do you treat me like this? Or “nobody help me.”

Compliance breeds you resentment, damages the relationship, and encourages continued manipulation. Guilt over someone else’s behavior or predicament is irrational guilt.

This tactics are destructive. Over time, you can be traumatized and your self-worth severely damaged. Awareness is the first step. You may need help to see things clearly. Write out conversations and try to identify abuse and all the tactics used. Harder still is not taking the words on the manipulator personally and learning how to respond.

7 Types of Negativity To Kill

Perfectionism-

Trying to achieve something that’s literally unattainable will only result in feeling less than.

Judgment Over Yourself And Others-

When you are judgemental, you are only focusing on the negative qualities in yourself and others.

Self-Doubt-

Self-doubt is a weed that will take over your life if you don’t kill it at the root.

Assuming The Worst Will Happen-

If you never think things will be better, they won’t be. This removes hope.

Worry-

Worrying changes nothing except your health and mental state.

Trying To Control Everything–

You can’t control everything and when you try and inevitably fail, you will only blame yourself.

Knowing Yourself Is The Beginning Of All Wisdom.

To truly know yourself is the most important skill you can ever possess. When you know who you are, you know what you need to do, instead of looking for permission from others to do what you already know you ought to do. It allows you to bypass tons of frustration caused by putting time into the wrong things. Yes, life is supposed to be full of trials and errors, but that lets you find the best areas for you to experiment with in the first place. Once you know yourself, you will become more confident, you will understand your purpose, and you begin making a bigger impact on the world.

So how can you know who you are and what you ought to do in life? Here are some steps you need to take in order to know your true self.

Be Quiet.

You cannot and will not be able to know yourself until you take the time to be still. Many people don’t know themselves because any sort of silence scares them; it’s too uncomfortable to be alone with every flaw staring at them. But it isn’t until you get alone, that you can elevate yourself and are completely truthful with yourself that you will actually be able to see every facet of your life- the good and the bad. Be quiet and discover your true self.

Realize who you truly are, not what you want to be.

I know you already have a set idea of who you desperately want to be, but it might not be who you were designed to be, this is why knowing who you really are is so important. When you know who you are m you will finally see where you and your gifts fit into the bigger picture.

And although there are many points along your jour to help you discover yourself, the best way to begin is to take a personality test and the Strength Finder test. These self-evaluations aren’t perfect, but they do pinpoint your top areas of strengths, so you can focus on the change you were meant to bring to the world

Find what you are good at (and not what your good at).

This might be the most difficult step in the process of finding who you are, but it’s a necessary one. Sure, it takes trial and error to find at what you’re good at, a d no. I don’t want you to give up before you’ve had more than enough attempts, but knowing when to quit is a gift that everyone needs to learn.

Quit when you’ve put ample time and your efforts aren’t giving back in return. What is ample time? Only you can decide that. But when you quit correctly, it isn’t giving up, it’s making room for something better. When your actions do nothing but drain you- rather than drive to do more, that’s a good sign it is time to focus elsewhere. Your strengths will show you who you are.

Find what you are passionate about.

Following passions of any kind is a good thing, and you need to pay attention when it comes because it indicates an area of life you need to pay more attention to. If we’re talking about following your passion for work it’s a good thing. And if we’re talking about having more passion for life, it’s a good thing. Focus more on passion; understand yourself in better ways, and you’ll make a bigger impact. Passion produces effort and continuous effort produces results.

Ask For Feedback.

If you don’t know yourself, hearing what others have to say about you is a helpful practice. Ask them to simple questions: What strengths do you think I need to develop further? And What weaknesses do you think I need to work on? Of course, their opinion isn’t going to be perfect, but their feedback will probably indicate a few areas you should at least take a second look at. This step is especially important for those who are stuck in finding themselves. Sometimes those closest to us can see something we might not be able to see ourselves.

Assess your relationships.

A large aspect of knowing yourself can be found in your relationships. When you realize you’ll never truly know anyone else until you discover yourself, the importance of know yourself becomes more apparent. This truth especially rings true for business leaders, because if you don’t know the people on your team, then you will be lost as a leader. But this rule also applies to any relationship in your life. Almost as much as you need to know yourself, other people also need to know who you are. People need you- the real you.

Use your reflections to fight your biggest fears, because when you understand who you are meant to be, your purpose will finally become bigger than your fears. When you realize who you are, you will spend less time spinning your wheels. Focusing on your strengths gives you the needed traction to begin making a bigger and better difference in the world. When you know yourself, you will find more peace, and you will find success quicker than ever before.

What Happens When Trauma Is Triggered?

What is a Trigger?

A trigger is a reminder of past trauma. This reminder can cause a person to feel overwhelming sadness, anxiety, or panic, or anger. It may also cause flashbacks. A flashback is a vivid visual often negative memory that may appear without warning. It can cause someone to lose track of their surroundings and relive the traumatic event.

I used to and still sometimes get triggers of my past. It’s also inevitable, with the life I have had. It can be as someone simply calling me an Idiot, or Stupid. It triggers me to the point of me running away and crying like a child. And then not even know what happened later. Sometimes I get horrible night terrors waking up the smelling the horrible cigarettes my mother use to smoke and seeing my mother screaming and threatening to hit me in bed. Since I live in the same town I grew up in there are still places I have a difficult time going.

Triggers can take many forms. They may be a physical location or the anniversary of the traumatic event. A person could also be triggered by internal processes such as stress.

Sometimes triggers are predictable. For instance, a War Veteran may have flashbacks while watching a violent movie or hearing fireworks, or someone standing to close behind them. In other cases, triggers are less intuitive. A person who smelled incense during a sexual assault may have a panic attack when they smell the same incense in a store.

Some people use ”trigger” in the context of other mental concerns, such as substance abuse or anxiety. In these cases, a trigger can be a cue that prompts an increase in symptoms. For example, a person recovering from anorexia may be triggered by photos of very thin celebrities. When the person sees these phot, they may feel the urge to starve them again.

How Are Triggers Formed?

The exact brain functioning behind triggers is not fully understood. However, there are several theories about how triggers work.

When a person is in a threatening situation, they may engage in a fight or flight response.

The body goes on high alert, prioritizing all it’s resources to react to the situation. Functions that aren’t necessary for survival, such as digestion, areput on hold.

One of the functions neglected during a fight or flight situation is short term memory formation. In some cases, a person’s brain may missile the traumatic event in its memory storage. Rather than being stored as a past event, the situation is labeled as a still-present threat. When a person is reminded of the trauma, their body acts as if the event is happening, returning to fight or flight mode.

In some cases, a sensory trigger can cause an emotional reaction before a person realizes why they are upset.

Another theory is that triggers are powerful because they often involve the senses. Sensory information (sights, sounds, and especially smells) play a large part in memory. The more sensory information is stored, the easier a memory is to recall.

During a traumatic event, the brain often in grains sensory stimuli into memory. Even when a person encounters the same stimuli in another context, they associate the trauma. In some cases, a sensory trigger can cause an emotional reaction before a person realizes why they are upset.

Habit formation also plays a strong role in triggering. People tend to do the same things in the same way. Fill the same patterns saves the brain from having to make decisions.

For example, say a person always smokes when driving. When a person gets in the car their brain expects them to follow the same routine and light a cigarette. Thus, driving could trigger the urge to smoke, even if the person wishes to quit smoking. Someone can be triggered even if they don’t make a conscious connection between their behavior and their surroundings.

What Are Trigger Warnings?

A trigger warning is a notice of potential triggers in future discussion or content. The aim is to let people with mental health concerns avoid or prepare themselves for triggers. It is impossible to predict or avoid all triggers, since many are unique to a persons situation. Warning are often reserved for common triggers such as images of violence.

Even though some triggers can not be predicted. One should not go around in constant worry or panic of having one. In some people they are inevitable but, it would be disgraceful if you let it ruin your life. Find joy and peace where you can.

How Do You Calm Your Racing Mind.

How do you calm a racing mind so you can sleep?

You have to get some sleep. You may feel tired or even exhausted before going to bed. But as soon as your head hits the pillow your wide awake. You just can’t stop thinking. It’s the worse.

It is necessary to get rest and sleep to recharge your mind and body. You know more sleep, but what can you do.

You get into bed early enough to get right hours, but you just lie there with your mind going a hundred miles per hour.

Here are some questions to ask yourself.

Do you take your phone to bed with you?

If you do the light from you phone is stimulating you brain and can suppress your natural melatonin release. The best solution is not to look at your phone after nine pm or one to two hours before bed, but lots of individuals are not ready to give up this habit. If that’s you use a blue-light blocking mode light night shift on iPhones or turn down your screens brightness as far as it can go.

What are you reading or doing before bed?

My second point is about the phone also. Texting at bedtime is a bad idea. The thought process that you use is to stimulating for your brain.

Obviously. Checking e-mails of any tyep at bedtime is a bad idea too. Especially if you com across something stressful. You may not even want to read the news, in case there’s a headline that stimulates thoughts or concerns.

If you like to read to wind down, choose a book (the printed kind). Ideally, that book should not be too thought provoking or stimulating. It shouldn’t be disturbing. It also probably shouldn’t be so incredibly captivating that you cannot put it down.

What do you do with your evenings?

If you have trouble winding down to sleep, take care not to wind yourself up over the course of the evening.

Good rules of thumb are to avoid challenging conversations with your partner in the evenings if possible. Definitely avoid starting difficult conversations close to bed time.

If you must work in the evening, like answering e-mails, try to do it earlier rather than later, so you have more time to wind down your mind before bed.

Working out in the evening makes it harder to wind down and fall asleep. Do it earlier during the day.

If you go out on a week night plan to get home at a reasonable hour so that you have time to wind down and still get to bed on time.

What lighting do you use at night?

This is the key to winding down. Individuals used to sleep an average of nine hours a night before the invention of electricity. The lights we have on at night in our homes are stimulating and can also suppress melatonin secretion.

Is there something specific you’re worried about?

Perhaps there’s a stressful situation you can’t stop worrying about that’s keeping you awake. In this case there is a variety of approaches.

If it’s serious get professional counseling support to help you problem solve the situation and/or your response to it.

Journal bed before bed to get your workout of your head and onto the page.

Learn a relaxation practice, such as a simple relaxation breathing meditation to quiet your mind and body before bed. If you cannot fall asleep focus on a three line scripture about peace as your breath in and out. It almost always works.

I met a skater once and she skates in her mind until she falls asleep. Any relaxing activity or thoughts along with deep breathing can help you sleep.