From Pity to Praise

Everyone is affected by their childhood environment, whether it’s good or bad, but for highly sensitive people, this effect is amplified. HSPs suffer more in bad environments but do especially well in good ones. So it’s reasonable to expect childhood emotional neglect to have an outsized effeat on sensitive kids.

While not every HSP child deals with emotional neglect will face all of the situations below, some outcomes may include:

Their high sensitivity becomes a joke, even with their parents. comments that a child is too sensitive or a dreamer may be well- intentioned but inevitably comes across as judgement.

Siblings may pick on the HSP. Brothers and sisters are usually suffering emotional neglect as well, but they take more to the toughen up message than their HSP sibling. And that makes it easy for them to establish themselves higher up on the pecking order.

They think there’s something wrong with them. There is no limit to how many times we’ll say it: Highly sensitive children are normal. But, it’s impossible that if your told over and over that you’re the odd one. Instead it’s impossible to internalize that your emotions aren’t right and don’t matter.

Confidence issues. Given the above, it’s no surprise that a sensitive child starts to doubt and undervalue themselves. But emotionally neglectful parents often see this as a weak spot, too, and pressure the child to be more confident- without the child’s strengths and feelings. My mother never wanted me to be confident, she would rather me quiet and not have any feelings. I was sent to the closet when she didn’t want to have to deal with me, as she put it. I never had a chance at being confident, I was not allowed to socialize with anyone.

Problems dealing with criticism. Highly sensitive people in general react strongly to criticism, and criticism is always hard for a HSP child, emotional neglect means that they never get to see feedback done in a healthy way. And, naturally, they cannot develop healthy ways to deal with criticism themselves if they never see it modeled at home.

Overwhelm, crashes, or panic. All HSPs can become overstimulated by load or busy environments, and overwhelmed by strong emotions at times. But healthy HSPs learn to manage this through self-care. Orate they need a quiet, safe place to retreat to. For highly sensitive kids, that’s only possible if the parent(s) are understanding of this need- and emotionally neglectful parents are not. Instead, they typically see it as the child overreacting. They may even get angry at the child. This can overwhelm a source of panic and fear in the child.

Profound loneliness. When your emotional needs don’t matter, and no one seems to understand you, you quickly become isolated, and feel alone in the world.

Inability to ask for help. Any child who suffers from emotional neglect learns they shouldn’t ask for help, because it won’t be given or because it appears weak. This is especially damaging to an HSP child with outgoing anxiety, fueled by fear that they are always doing things “wrong.”

When you begin to treat yourself as if you do matter, the people in your life begin to respond differently. They start seeing your personality, your emotions, and your needs.

What happens when a Highly Sensitive person grows up with Emotional Neglect.

If you’re highly sensitive, there’s a good chance that you experience emotions in a very strong way- so much so that your emotions can flood you. That’s because highly sensitive people (HSPs) are born with a nervous systems that processes and feels things much more deeply than the average person. Most HSPs are aware of their own feelings and the feelings of others, which can be a powerful gift.

But what happens when you grow up in a family that doesn’t value this trait at all?

That could mean- parents who said you were overreacting for having feelings. Your parents never expressed their own emotions, and were uncomfortable when you did so. Being labeled as different (a dreamer, crybaby) because you are sensitive.

Sadly, this isn’t uncommon. In fact,a grow body of research suggests that many otherwise healthy families raise their children with emotions neglect- a failure to value or respond to emotions.

This can create unhealthy outcomes for any child, but especially high sensitive children. The parent who doesn’t validate their child’s feeling or respond to their child’s emotions can leave children feeling deeply alone. Children feel like they should never ask for help because it’s perceived as a sign of weakness.

Emotions are, in many ways, an HSP’s first language. And an emotionally neglectful family doesn’t speak that language. You cannot make a child highly sensitive with an emotional upbringing and likewise, you cannot make someone less sensitive through emotional neglect. Highly sensitive, by definition, is a genetic trait, you’re either born with it or you’re not.

So emotional neglect doesn’t change whether a child is an HSP. But,it does affect HSPs very differently than other children.

While parents certainly have emotions of their own, they expressing them outwardly or acknowledging the emotions of others. It’s like they completely divorce themselves from the most important part of their HSP child’s inner life.

At best, growing up as an HSP in an emotionally neglectful house is like being like a musician in a world with no music. In other cases, it much worse- it’s the equivalent of having parents who actively tell you that your music is bad.

Imagine being deeply thoughtful, intensely feeling child growing up in a family that is neither. Imagine your intense feelings being ignored or discouraged. Imagine that your thoughtfulness is viewed as weakness.

Of course many HSPS don’t have to imagine it at all. It’s often how we were raised. And that kind of emotional neglect sends HSP children a message: Your greatest strength is not valued here.

Continued….

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Feelings of Emptiness

Emptiness feels different for different people. For some, it’s an empty feeling in your belly, chest or throat the comes and goes. For other’s it’s numbness. Mine was a empty feeling in my belly that, no matter what couldn’t be filled.

Fear of being dependent

It’s one thing to be an independent kind of person. But feeling deeply uncomfortable about depending on anyone is another thing altogether. If you find yourself taking great care to not need help, support or care from others, you may have this fear.

Unrealistic self- appraisal

Do you find it hard to know what you are capable of? I still feel today that I have no affect on people around me. No matter what I say or do it doesn’t affect them, I have to be really careful what I say around people because sometimes I say something that affects them and don’t even realize I’m doing it. Because I feel and think differently than most people. What are your strengths and weaknesses? What do you like? Struggling to answer these questions is a sign that you don’t know yourself as well as you should.

No compassion for yourself, plenty for others.

Are you harder on yourself than you would ever be on a friend? Do others talk to you about their problems, but it’s hard for you so share yours.

Guilt, shame, self-directed anger, and blame.

Guilt, shame, anger, and blame; The Fabulous Four, all directed at yourself. Some people have a tendency to go straight to guilt and same whenever a negative event happens in their lives. (This was a tough one for me because once I was told I was worthless so many times it kinda became a natural habit for me after 19 years it got stuck in my head.)

Do you ever feel ashamed of things that most people would never be ashamed of. Like having needs, making mistakes, or having feelings.

Feeling fatally flawed.

This is that deep sense I talked about above. You know that something is wrong in your life but you can’t pinpoint what it is. “It’s me,” you say to yourself, and you feel like it’s true. I’m not likable, I’m different that other people. Something is different. I have found that I am different than other people, I have people say to me all the time “I think you deeply.” I am kind to everyone because I know what it’s like to be hurt, and no-one should ever have to feel that way.

Difficulty feeling, identifying, managing and/ or expressing emotions.

Do you get tongue-tied, undervalue or under-respond to their child’s emotions inadvertently convey a powerful, subliminal message to the child: “Your feelings don’t matter.

To cope as a child, you naturally push your emotions down, to keep them from becoming a problem in your childhood home.

Then as a adult, you are living without access to your emotions: your emotions, which should be directing, guiding, informing, connecting, and enriching your emotions, which should be telling you who matters to you and what matters of you, and why.

Once you understand the reason for your forever flaw and how it came about, you can heal from your Childhood Emotional Neglect by attacking it. You can establish a new pipeline to your emotions. You can learn the skills to use.

You we be finally accept that your feelings are real and they do matter. You matter too.

The Bible tells us clearly what are boundaries are and how to protect them, but often our family, or other past relationships, confuses us about our parameters.

In addition to showing us what we are responsible for boundaries help us define what is and is not on our property and what we are not responsible for. We are not responsible. We are not, for example, responsible for other people. Nowhere’s are we commanded to have other-control although we spend a lot of time and energy trying to get it.

To and For:

We are responsible to others and for ourselves. Carry each other’s burdens says Galatians 6;2 and this is the way you will fulfill the law of Christ. This verse shows our responsibility to one another.

Many times others have burdens that are too big to bear. They do not have enough strength, resources, or knowledge to carry the load, and they need help. On the other hand verse 5 tells up each one should carry his own load. Everyone has responsibilities that only he or she can carry. These things are our own particular load that we need to rake responsibly for and work out. No one can do certain things for us. We have to take ownership of certain things for us. We have to take ownership of certain aspects of life that are our own load.

Good in Bad out:

My son was in the service and he always says this is what they told him. Good in- Bad out. As per eating if you eat Good- good will come out- if you eat bad- bad will come out. I automatically think of this when I hear this.

Boundaries help us to distinguish our property so that we are careful of it. They help us to guard our heart with all diligence. We need to keep things that will nurture us inside our fences and keep things that harm us outside. In short boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. They guard our treasures so that people will not steal them. They keep pearls inside and the pigs outside.

Sometimes, we have the bad on the inside and the good on the inside. In these instances, we need to be able to open up our boundaries to let the good in and the bad out. In other words, our fences need gates on them. For example, if I find that I have some pain or sin within, I need to open up and communicate it to God and others, so I can be healed. Confusing pain and sin helps to get it out so that it does not continue to poison me on the inside. And when the good is on the outside our gates and let it in.

Jesus speaks of this phenomenon in receiving him and his truth ( Rev. 3;20 John 1;12.) other people have good things to give us, and we need open up to them. Often we will close our boundaries to good things from others, staying in a state of deprivation. We need to set boundaries not walls.

Invisible Property Lines and Responsibility- in the physical world boundaries are easy to see. Fences, signs, walls, moats with alligators, manicured lawns, or hedges are all physical boundaries. In there differing appearances, they give the same message: this is where my property begins. The owner of the property is legally responsible for what happens on his or her property. Non-owners are not responsible for the property.

Physical boundaries mark a visible property line that someone holds the deed to. You can go to the county courthouse and find out exactly where those boundaries or responsibility are and whom to call if you have business there.

In a spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but often harder to see. The goal here is to define intangible boundaries and to recognize them as an everpresent reality, these boundaries define your soul, and they help you guard it and maintain it. (Prob. 4; 23)

Me and not me

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. I know where my yard begins and ends. I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not own my life, my choices and options become very limited.

Think how confusing it would be if someone told you to guard this property diligently, because I will hold you responsible for what happens here, and then did not tell you the boundaries of the property or they did not give you the means in which to protect the property? This would be confusing but also potentially dangerous.

This is what happens to us emotionally and spiritually, however. God designed a world where we all live within ourselves, that is inhabit our own souls and we are responsible for the things that make up “us”. The heart knows it’s own bitterness, and no one shares it’s joy (Prov 14; 10). We have to deal with what’s in our soul, boundaries help us define what it is. It we are not shown the parameters, or taught wrong parameters we are in mouth pain.

I will write more on this subject later.

Emotional Neglect

It is possible to heal from the pain of having an emotionally absent mother and/ or self-absorbed mother.

Acknowledge that emotional absence was not your fault. Your mother (I say mother cause it was my mother who neglected/abused me. It could very well be a Father). Was not emotionally available because of something in your childhood. I think I looked like someone my mother was abused by or disliked. It was not because you were not good enough or unlovable. If your mother was emotionally absent and/or critical of you you are/were nor responsible for her behavior. She was the responsible adult. You deserved love and being cared for as a child and also as an adult.

See your mother as she is, not as the person you would like her to be.

It is very painful to come to accept and let go of the hope that one day your mother may change and be the loving and cuddly mother you always hoped for. This wish may keep you in a very anxious and depressed place, as your wish is never fulfilled and you continue to hope for a change but continue to experience emotional absence by your mother.

When you learn to accept that your mother is only able to give you as much as she can, your healing can start and you can have a relationship with her.

Sometimes a relationship isn’t possible. In my case I had had the emotional abuse as well as some physical abuse. Even as I accepted the way she was I never trusted her and you cannot have a relationship if you don’t have trust. Sure If she needed anything I would do it for her, but that’s as far as it went. I never let my own children be alone with her for any length of time. I talked to her but it was as strangers would talk not as mother and daughter.

You have to decide what kind of relationship though would like to have with her (if any) have with her-Reflect on the emotional impact of both having a relationship with her and not having her in her life.

Allow yourself to grief the absence of an emotionally engaged mother. Let yourself feel pain of feeling unloved as a child. Express the pain by talking, painting, writing, or in any way that comes naturally to you. It’s okay to have mixed feelings about your mother for wanting her attention and love (this is our survival instinct as children) while feeling angry towards her and hurt for her being able to prioritize your emotional needs as a child. Acknowledge all you feelings.

Get to know yourself, you may struggle to understand what you want or need , and often seek guidance from other people to the extent that it is very confusing for you.

What are you emotional, physical, safety, self-development, spiritual, and social needs. Pay attention to your emotional experiences. You may struggle to understand your feelings and they are vital for you to understand who you are and what you need.

Stop and listen to your body, what is the emotion you experience and how does it feel in your body? Learn to name your feelings but slowing down and taking time to reflect on them.

Develop self-soothing skills, when our caregivers (mothers) didn’t provide us with soothing as children and we experienced emotional absence we can learn these skills as an adult. We have an innate ability within our body to regulate ourselves. For example, spending time in nature and fully immersing yourself in yourself in your experience can teach you about self-soothing and regulation. Use all your senses to take in soothing experiences offered by nature.

Take a mindful walk in nature focusing on your sensory experiences. Practice deep breathing focusing on your exhale aiming to inhale it for as long as you can counting up to 9 or even 11 seconds when exhaling.

Mindfulness and guided visualization/ meditation surround yourself with beautiful pictures, objects, and scents that help you relax. Listen to music that makes you slow down and relaxes you. Watch funny things that make you laugh.

Be kind to yourself, you may be very critical of yourself and blame yourself for things that either go wrong or even for things that are not to do with you.

Self-compassion, be your own best friend, what would you say to a dear friend in a given situation? Acknowledge that suffering is universal, you are not alone with your pain. Be mindful of your feelings, acknowledge them but do not over identify and get stuck with them.