I thought I might write about something I’ve dealt with most of my life. I’m sure I’m not the only one who lived their lives in Survival Mode.
One thing I learned as a child was that I couldn’t depend on anyone and somehow I merged survival behavior into my self-image.
This happens when chronic stress or early trauma caused adaptive survival strategies, like hyper-independence, people, pleasing, or perfectionism. This becomes deeply ingrained in a person’s identity.
In my case, my coping mechanism became my personality. In most cases, it is seen as productive or strong, while feeling emotionally exhausted.
In learning that I couldn’t depend on or trust anyone, I created a false self to gain love, which led me to lose touch with my authentic self and a reliance on a “tough” self-reliance. I put on a mask to cover my feelings of helplessness.
Over the years I’ve learned to recognize patterns of hyper-independence were adaptive survival strategies that were developed to handle past trauma.
Survival mode is a psychological state of chronic stress where the nervous system, stuck in protection mode, is not a personality trait, lifestyle choice, or sign of weakness. It is an involuntary, exhausting, trauma response that turned on when our brain perceived there is constant danger, that leads to elevated cortisol, fatigue, and “survival scars” like hyper-independence.
For much of my life, I have struggled against the aftermath of unresolved childhood trauma.
For years I didn’t even know how much of a problem it was. I thought it was completely normal to expect the worse, to hide the family secrets, to cry myself to sleep. I didn’t realize I was broken until after my daughter was born. Then I realized what I had been dealing with my entire life wasn’t the result of being “broken” or “born that way,” but it was a significant, understandable, and treatable response to a bad childhood.
I admit it was freeing, to know there as something better out there. I began reading every self-help book I could get my hands on. And began to feel better.
But, then the fog came. Somewhere in the mix I began to break down and seek counseling. With the impact of what my counselor told me, my entire identity up until that point in life had been formed around trauma. I didn’t know who I was without it.
What I liked to do in my free time? What I liked eating? What my favorite color? Was I funny, or more serious? I needed to learn a lot about myself, and I was going to have to start from scratch.
Through it all, I had to make peace with my past and untangle the trauma. And realize my identity and narrative were forced om me – one of defeat and self-hate. I lived that narrative because that was all I knew. I might as well have been introducing myself as “the girl whose mother didn’t love me,”
But, that narrative was not mine. It was not my name, it was not what I had to answer to. There was more, so much more.
I had to start from a place I knew, which wasn’t very much. I had to delve into a place and make that my beginning.
I decided to start at the root of the issue and expose the bad roots and begin with new good nourished roots. That meant identifying my inner child, the wounded parts, that developed as survival mechanisms. How the old trauma and difficulties underlined my present-day struggles. The closer I got to the core trauma, the more I realized how my childhood trauma shaped my life in the present.
I had to learn to use mindfulness to stay in the present and manage emotional flashbacks. To create physical and emotional safety in my current life.
I think managing the emotional flashbacks was the worst. Waking up with night terrors, the horrible nightmares, waking up with my entire body in muscle spasms, because I had tensed up my body when I slept, expecting my blankets and clothing to be ripped off at any moment.
It was a difficult time, but I made it through and I’m stronger for it. I had to create a new identity that involved transforming from a reactive survival mode, and I had to transition into an intentional identity, focusing on who I chose to be. I had to shift from seeing myself as a victim to a survivor, breaking the cycle of negative internal dialogues, and establishing a sense of worth.
Recognizing that the abuse was not my fault was the first step to detaching my self-worth from the trauma. I had to rebuild myself by discovering what truly gave me joy, or peace, rather than doing things out of obligation.
I learned how to meet my own emotional and physical needs and treat myself with kindness and compassion that I previously lacked.
It was a long, process, a non-linear journey of retraining my nervous system. And I don’t think I could have done it without God watching over me every step of the way.
“Healing from trauma isn’t about forgetting what happened, it’s about teaching your nervous system that the danger is no longer here. And every small moment of safety you create counts” -anonymous
I really haven’t thought about having a favorite emoji. I think they are an attempt to try and tell us how we’re supposed to feel. If I use them, I usually use the care emoji or the laugh emoji.
“He will sit as a refiner and a purifier of silver, He will purify the sons of Levi, and refine them as gold and silver, and they will offer to the Lord offerings in righteousness” – Malachi 3:3
I believe God seeks to purify us, not destroy everyone. He seeks to purify and cleanse to make us fit for service. He refined us through the furnace of suffering, a painful, but purposeful process designed to burn away the dross of sin and impunity.
Like the silversmith God he must place the silver in the middle of the fire, where it will burn the hottest. He must sit and watch the silver constantly, if it is left too long, the metal will be destroyed. Like the silversmith, God knows the silver is fully refined when He can see His own image reflected in it.
I think the same process goes on in the world today. And when the godly are completely separated from the ungodly, the world will end. When the “dross” is taken from us we will be delivered from the furnace of fire. The clearer we are the harder our trials.
In James 1:2-4 Paul says, “Consider it all joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. The trials we face are not designed to break us, but to develop endurance, maturity, and completeness in our faith.
Instead of seeing trials as punishment, we should see them as opportunities for growth and a deeper more refined faith.
I am and deep thinker, and I am not much into small talk. Topics about the weather, or clothing bore me, but I do realize there is a point to it. I like to talk about topics like, “what’s the most sacred thing in your life?” Or “what’s the do you value most, money or time?” Most people don’t listen to understand they wait for their turn to talk. I think deeper subjects cause people to respond, rather than react. Questions like this reveal a person’s inner world. And if you want to get to know someone well it’s better to ask deeper questions.
Because of my upbringing, I learned to never trust, everyone I ever put my trust in hurt me. Today I still find it hard to trust anyone, they have to prove themselves. But, then God came into my life, and while it took me four years to trust Him. Every risk I took to trust God’s character, He never failed or hurt me. I knew I could trust Him with my story.
In Samuel 15:22 Samuel asked King Saul, “Has the Lord as a great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as in obedience to the voice of the Lord?” Saul answered and said, “to obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed (is better) than the fat of rams.”
This signifies that God values hearing and following His commands over performing religious rituals or sacrifices. It emphasizes that heartfelt obedience and submission to God’s will are superior to empty, self-imposed actions or external displays of devotion.
Obedience is the natural fruit of Jesus in us. When we do this, His life will be pressed out through ours.
Last night I had a vivid dream of God showing me how to live in obedience to Him. It began when I was standing in a large room with people sitting toward a stage. The lady sponsoring the event had just finished speaking on obedience on how God told her to host this event, as I watched a man come in and I heard her say loudly “Oh my gosh you are here, and she walked out of the building with him. My instant thought, “she obeyed God in the beginning and then disobeyed Him in finishing.” The dream ended with me, saying to a group “if your going to obey God, you should probably finish what He told you to do.” And with that, I woke up. I’m not sure if this is a reminder or a warning of something that is going to come to pass. But I know the feeling that I had when I woke up, and I had better pay attention.
True obedience is total submission rather than partial obedience or attempts to substitute good works for genuine devotion. God is more pleased with a heart that listens to His voice than with religious formalities, talent, or service that masks a disobedient Spirit.
Our focus should be on hearing and obeying, not merely performing tasks. God values our willingness to follow His path over our attempts to improve on it with our own efforts.
I think it’s important to remember that obedience is the outward evidence of the true fear of the Lord.
Sometimes I wish I had followed my dreams to become a psychologist. But, due to fear and lack of financial resources I couldn’t see a way, so I chose differently. While my life turned out in the end, I could have been better.
It’s never healthy to dwell on the past, because it keeps us emotionally stuck, and fuels anxiety and regret, and only wastes valuable energy that can be used for the present and future.
“Those who wait for the Lord will renew their strength. They will Mount up with wings like eagles. They will run, and not be weary. They will walk, and not faint” -Isaiah 40:31
Isaiah 40:31 promises that those who “wait on the ward will renew their strength,” enabling them to soar like eagles, run without weariness, and walk without fainting
Waiting on the Lord is not passive, but a confident, expectant hope in God. It involves trusting His timing, not just passing time.
In our human strength, we are limited, but those who wait on God receive His power. It is an exchange -we give Him our exhaustion and He gives us His strength.
Like Eagles that use storms to rise higher, we can also use life challenges to write above in faith.
This promise is for endurance. It covers dramatic moments and the daily mundane tasks of life, allowing us to live without fainting.
When we are weary, God‘s power is made perfect in our weakness, and often is given when we cannot that we cannot continue on our own.
Practical waiting, occurs through prayer and studying God‘s Word.
We can be encouraged that when facing difficulties, we can change the why question into what question and focus on what God wants us to do.
When we finally stop trying to handle everything on our own, we can bring ourselves out of the ashes of fatigue.
My feelings have discouraged me many times, they’ve tried to deceive me, they’ve tried to rob me of my peace and joy in Jesus, and they have harassed and accused me of every little thing possible. But, I have come to recognize all unsettling feeling is a messenger of Satan, intented to bring me down into despair and fear.
I can be going along with my day, happily humming my favorite worship song, talking with the Lord. Suddenly unexpectedly I become overwhelmed with troubling feelings that flood my mind and Spirit. It seems as though the wicked principalities and powers of hell choose to fill me with unwanted negative feelings when I lease expect them.
Sometimes the enemy comes in like a flood, trying to drown me in depressing feelings and negative thoughts. Sometimes, I have a tendency to blame myself, but then I remember what David said in Psalm 42:11 which reads, “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God, for I shall praise Him, my salvation and my God.”
Satan likes to foster fear, doubt, bitterness, and rebellion against God. He likes to create a false reality and encourage people to disregard any good commitment and doubt that will bring God’s faithfulness and act on lies rather than truth.
He often targets people who are already hurting, angry, living in fear or facing adversity. He likes to drive disobedience, to push us to abandon commitments to God or others.
2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us that, “The Spirit of God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self discipline. This verse should encourage us that God provides strength to overcome fear, enabling us to act with courage, love, and a sound, controlled mind rather than cowardice or anxiety.
Satan uses intense emotions such as fear, insecurity, offense, and overwhelming feelings to derail our purpose and disrupt our peace. By keeping us focused on volatile emotions rather than faith and logic. This approach aims to fuel confusion, foster disobedience, and trigger sinful reactions that always draws us away from God’s plan for our lives.
There are some key emotional tactics Satan uses to destroy our lives and keeps us from going to heaven.
Relationship pitfalls
Exploiting loneliness or impatience, leading to poor choices like rushing into relationships, settling for less, or falling into unbalanced unhealthy attachments.
Mental and emotional distortions
Satan can magnify fear, encourage insecurity, and create deep discouragement that paralyzes any spiritual progress.
Misleading desires
Using intense desires to push us toward extremes, often taking good things and twisting it into sinful excess.
When we become aware of Satan’s tactics it can change our lives in profound ways.
There are ways to counter Satan’s tactics that I think everyone should be aware of.
Stand in faith
Rise above fleeting emotions, and do not allow your feelings to dominate your actions.
Recognize the attack
Identify moments of irrational, fear or overwhelming negativity because potential spiritual manipulation are not just feelings.
Spiritual guidance
Rely on the promise of the sound mind, love, and power rather than being led by unstable emotional states.
I was listening with a director of psychiatry and a follower of God a few weeks ago and he said that most emotional disorders such as mood or anxiety disorders that involve persistent extreme emotional states that impair daily functioning are based on fear, and shame. I find it interesting that satan can use feelings (or emotions) in those who are suffering from these disorders.
I used to be a very nervous person, so nervous that I would bite my nails. Then I learned that I could trust God in every situation. I chose to change the situations I could control and let God do the rest. Through hard work, I taught myself not to dwell on negativity or ruminate on the past or the future.
From Pity to Praise 