Forgiving But Not Forgetting

I’m sure every one have heard the advice forgive and forget. I for one do not take this advice. I can forgive easily. But I can’t forget.

It’s normal to hear a person who has been betrayed or hurt by someone saying they have forgiven but they will not forget. This usually follows through with their refusal to trust the person ever again.

Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

My father

A once comfortable relationship has been reduced to polite hello’s and there is no mistaking the marked difference in the interaction.

I have a good friend, I considered her my best friend. We were both in an organization, she was the President and I the Vice President. Things were going great. We we’re doing fundraisers for the non-profit organization to help our community.

One day we had our monthly meeting. She gets up to lead the meeting. And without any hesitations, she said I’m resigning, I was in shock, I was devastated that she had withheld telling me before the meeting, with her resigning I was bumped up to President. I was angry, sad, and hurt. That she hadn’t said anything to me.

I was not at all prepared, I didn’t know how to do the paperwork, So, I thought okay here I am in this position I guess I’m winging it. Talking to people after this happened I found out that she had told two people that she was going to resign but didn’t take the time to tell me. This made me angrier. So I stopped all contact for a year.

In the Bible, it says to forgive even as God has forgiven us. I’m Mark 11:25-26 it states that when we pray we ought to forgive as this is a prerequisite for receiving our own forgiveness. So, one can clearly see that forgiving others is for one’s own benefit, he points out.

It took me a year to forgive her, to bring myself to have a conversation with her and be kind and respect her. But I still can’t forget what she did to me.

Now we are in another organization together I am Chapin and she is president again, I can help think it’s only a matter of time before it happens again.

As a Christian, I will be polite and humble but I will also know how the Vice President will feel. And I will help her to get over how she feels.

We see in the Bible that Jesus did not entrust himself to the crowd. He knew well that one day the adoring crowd could shout ’Hasanna’ one day and Crucfy Him the next.

Trust has to be earned. It is one thing to forgive someone. That is a free gift, but trust needs to be earned.

Let’s just say we trusted to let someone borrow our car and they drove it drunk and was in an accident. It would be fooling to hand over the keys to them again in the name of forgiveness when they have failed to demonstrate true repentance accompanied by a genuine change of behavior.

Dealing with someone who has wronged you in the past and giving them a fresh start is no different than dealing with someone you just met.

You would not invite someone in your home and give them access to your bank and valuables after the first meeting. You have no prior his, so there is no issue of unforgiveness. The issue is then one of estaua basis for trust.

There are citing’s in the Bible such as Peter being restored after betraying Jesus. Paul after persecuting Christians being restored after conversion, and king David restoring his son Absalom even to his own detriment.

Sometimes when we talk about restoring a person we need to be discerning about what should be the appropriate level of fellowship. There are some instances where the one who betrayed and hurt us was placed in a position that they ought not have occupied in the first place.

Many have the notion that when God forgives, he automatically entrusts us with what we had before. Many fallen people have never returned to the promises they had before.

An example: If you had a great position at work, but you altered the paperwork so, you are favored and your boss sees the alteration. You might be demoted to a less paying position.

If there were full restoration Adam and Eve would have been allowed back into Eden and Moses would have crossed into the promise land.

The hurt someone has caused you should not rehearse the hurts of the past if they ever want to be healed of the effects and be empowered to move forward.

You should not forget how people have hurt you, but you should also not dwell on that hurt. Forgiving allows us to move forward.

Learn Ways To Cope With Feeling Defensive

What do a balled-up porcupine and a linebacker have in common? They’re both pros at getting defensive. And when we are faced with criticism, we are ready to project a ball of spines or prepare for the tackle. Getting defensive helps us protect our character and our sense of competence.

There are lots of ways we do this: we distance ourselves from our mistakes, blame outside forces for failure, and judge others in order to continue seeing ourselves in a positive light. Or we during or otherwise self medicate to cope with threats to our self image and self-esteem.

The trouble is getting defensive with friends, your boss, your partner, and yourself usually backfires. It pushes people away, makes up look immature, and sends a message that we are unable to regulate our emotions. At the moment, getting defensive can feel like the only way to cope with a threat. But in the long-term, it undermines and our relationships. When we lash out at people, we dig ourselves a deep hole.

Let’s look at a few ways that might regulate your mood, and stop getting defensive.

Remind Yourself Of Your Deepest Values

Remembering our core beliefs and passions can make us feel less defensive. You can do this with confronting the criticism at hand.

So, if your feeling defensive after your boss gives you a bad work review, forget about frantically rehashing all your past work place triumphs, focus instead on the areas where you felt confident, whether its a commitment to living healthy, you faith, you readiness to help others, you passion for writing, drawing, building things, and any other value you hold dear. By focusing on your values you can store up your self-esteem, and reduce the need to get defensive.

See Criticism As A Sign Of Others Belief In Your Abilities

Think back to seventh grade, when you were still figuring out your identity and your worth. At that age, the feedback you got from leaders, couches, and friends made a huge impact.

For many kids of color for example, it’s that this age that they started to come to conclusions about whether they can trust mainstream institutions like school, or whether they are being stereotyped. Both praise and critical feedback can be confusing for kids of color how can they be sure criticism is justified or just driven by bias?

When I was in high school we had a colored kid come into our school, there were a lot of student staring at him and a few remarks at first. But, he was very kind. The next year he joined the rodeo club. Watching him I said to myself ”WoW he can ride a bull that’s cool” he was very good. After they found out that he could ride,most people wanted to friend with him. He was the only colored boy in our school. Yes, it was hard at first, I’m sure more for others.

There were a few that had gotten defensive about the whole situation. Having to sit by a ”colored boy” at school. He is still in our town, and the whole town loves him. He is in a wheelchair now, from being thrown off a bull just after high school but, he is still as kind as he always was. Even though no one ever says to him I believe in you or I know you are capable. He always did his best.

So how does this apply to you? Even if don’t hear the words I believe in you or I know you are capable. If you know your mom, your boss, or your partner is offering you feedback so you can achieve great things. Remind yourself of their faith in you and your criticism will go down easier.

We usually think of defensiveness as getting verbally abusive. But we actually defend ourselves against holes in our self-esteem in a lot of ways, we might trash talk our haters, compare ourselves to people who have it worse, or go to great lengths to treat ourselves with retail therapy to soothe our wounded souls. I favorite I love retail therapy,

These methods might make us feel better, but they channel our energy into defensiveness rather than moving forward.

How can we channel our energy into self-improvement rather than self-defense? If you receive criticism that is cruel or insulting no one expects to you grow from it- go ahead and use your time and energy repairing those wounds.

But if the feedback is meant to help you or is neutral and objective- like scoring 37% on a test, or essay rather than channeling your energy into soothing yourself you will be better off if you channel your energy into improving yourself. Take a step back. Adopt a growth mindset and take critical feedback as a chance to get better and better.

Okay you say, that’s all fine and good- I can affirm my deepest values, interpret feedback as the fact that others believe in me, and trust that I can grow. But would about in the moment? How can I manage that split second when it’s just so tempting to follow your instincts and defend myself?

The answer is to make it through that moment waiting to react. Just let the adrenaline surge to gather your thoughts. You can do this few ways.

The first option is use filler words and let the other person continue speaking. You could say Go on or Oh? Say more about that and then use their airtime to take a few slow breathes and consider how you’d like to respond.

The second option is to alternatively stay silent. A slightly awkward pause buys you time and, as a bonus, throws them off their game.

Once you’ve composed yourself, it’s time for the last step.

Use I statements.

This is something I learned in class called Bridges. It’s very useful.

I statements are key to reducing defensiveness. Why? You can make your own feeling known without slinging accusations, which are a one -way ticket to escalating the conflict. Plus, no one can argue with your opinion or your feelings.

I statement focus the conversation on you and what you feel, and will help you make your point without getting defensive

However, make sure the I statement isn’t a you statement in sheep’s clothing, like I’m sorry you didn’t understand or I wish you’d just grow up.

Better I am not comfortable with this. I have a difficult time listening to you when you raise your voice. Or I get frustrated when you remind me over and over. It makes me feel like you don’t trust you. Sometimes a simple I hear what your saying, is enough to defuse the tension and have a real conversation.

Leave great defense to the balled-up porcupine. It might make us feel better but in the end, we get a lot farther leading with our best selves.

You Are More

You are more than you think.

Somewhere out there, someone is crying for the tenth time today becitneir a loved one let them down in a big way. Again.

Someone is tapping concealer around their eye, wincing at the pain, and repeating silent excuses for their partner who hit them.

Somebody else is sitting listfully at work trying to remember who they were before their relationship began to take. Over every piece of their existence.

Another spends their entire day unraveling bit by bit as they attempt to let out every silent scream.

Humans are great at settling for toxic situations for a million different reasons and whatever we think are good reasons.

We love them

We think they can change

We think we could fix them

It isn’t that bad

We’re just overreacting

We don’t want to rock the boat

This is all we know

Were to scared to leave

Were too addicted to go

We stay because we think we have to

We settle because it’s easy

We settle

We stay

We freeze

And somewhere deep down, we know better. But we make excuses to stay stuck.

In my own life, I have settled 100 different ways for a million different reasons. And the pay off has never been good. It amounts to something pretty cheap. Like your dreams and your soul in exchange for your mere survival.

The kind of survival that gets you nowhere, beyond empty.

But we do it anyway. And repeatedly, and every time we settle we’re telling ourselves that we don’t matter. Other people can pursue their dreams, but not us,

We seek ourselves, short like this, in most cases, no-one will come to our rescue. We’ve locked our true selves up in our own prison without a hope of ever leaving

We might talk about the elusive someday. But someday is barely acwish and hardly a hope. Someday leads us nowhere fast,

If you want more out of life you’ve got to believe that there is more out there. And if you want to get anywhere you’ve got to be your own biggest believer.

In our culture, there’s this fine line between believing in oneself and having confidence. We put up an air of confidence that’s more or less a show. Because that’s what is expected. A lack of confidence is seen as weakness.

A deep belief in oneself is counterculture in a world that constantly asks, Who the hell, do you think you are?

Well…why do you think you are?

Far too many of us grew up again to think we might be something. Do your best, get good grades, obey your teachers and parents but never get cocky. We’re just lucky to be here. If it wasn’t us, it would be someone else.

It’s true to an extent. If I haven’t had started this blog you would never know I exist. If I never took a leap to believe in myself seven months age. I’d still have no idea what I could do.

At some point, I decided I was sick of settling. And I did something about it once I decided I was worth more.

You are all are worth more than you think. There is something only you can do. Your voice is yours alone. If you stay where you’re at and settle, so one will take your place, so you speak. But there will never be anyone just like you, with your unique message and voice.

If you never take a real risk, you will never know how much you can accomplish just because you believed in yourself and your work,

Who knows where your dreams will take you if you decide to not let them die!

You are worth more than you think. You’re better than the situations you settle for. You are made for more than a life where love is stagnant or pain.

You just have to start believing that’s true.

Today Is National Prayer Day.

Even if you do not follow God. I’m sure we agree this World is in a bad place.

Let your gentleness be evident all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Every election season brings a certain degree of anxiety or uneasiness. The national elections of 2020 or {5781} are bringing out, what seems to me, a greater level of anxiety and anger than most elections cycles.

There are a number of choices being made. Some develop a posture of being above it all. Jesus is my king and I’m not lowering myself into the conflict. Certainly, we need to have a Godly worldview that recognizes the temporary nations of nations, elections, and culture itself in the light of eternity. Taking the path the Jesus Himself did not withdraw from culture or even the politics of His day. He waded into some of the most controversial issues that decides Israel in His day, while at the same time, insisting the His kingdom was not of this world.

There’s another extreme that is also very prevalent. It happens when followers of Jesus forget that the advance of the Kingdom of Christ is not dependent upon who is president of the United States is. Ignoring that can cause us to become combative, angry, and overemphasize the importance of this or any election. In this posture, we forget that those in another political party or backing a different candidate are not our enemies. We can find ourselves demonizing others and forgetting the law of love.

In the midst of a divisive, tense and angry time, how she we live in this political world?

Take a look at the Apostle Paul for a clear, powerful direction. To the Philippians and us. Paul gives instruction: Let your gentleness be evident to all.

What a contrast this is to what is currently taking place. Gentleness, Piece, and Prayer. That how we approach an election season. And I believe that Paul even shows us how to do that. In the midst of his commands he says, he says The Lord is near. We often immediately rush into the second coming when we read this. But I’m not sure that’s what Paul is saying. The Lord is near. He is close. He is right beside you. We can’t live without this gentleness, His Peace. Pray today and always for our leaders. We are in a time of choice.

I believe God is giving us a window of time, but that time is soon over. We need to vote the Bible when we are voting. The people in this world have decided who is best. But I vote the Bible Gods laws are there for a reason. They are good and pure. They have never failed me yet and I don’t expect that they will fail me again.

Pray for gentleness, and peace for the nation’s today.

Trusting Your Intuition

Your intuition is a feeling within your body that only you experience. Because the feeling is so personal, no one else can weigh in to tell you if you’re in touch with your gut instinct or not. You alone can make the call. Trusting your intuition is the ultimate act of trusting yourself.

Intuition is your immediate understanding of something. There is no need to think it over or get another option- you just know.

Listening to your intuition helps us avoid unhealthy relationships and situations. In your life, many people will have ideas about what best for you. Some have good intentions, and some are coming from a place of deceitful, harmful, selfish intent. It’s sometimes hard to tell which category someone talks into. Set aside all the external opinions a d trust the advice from your own intuition, it will guide you to what is truly best for you.

The process of trusting your gut is not as simple as it seems. We have habits and circumstances that can pull us unconsciously in the opposite direction. But, our intuition is deeply instinctual that even if we’ve been out of touch with it for our entire lives, it still there inside of us waiting for us to summon it’s wisdom. But, if you ignore it when it comes up it can become dim and you make poor choices.

What Gets In The Way

Your intuition is like your own star, but there are many obstructors that act as clouds dimming its light. Once you are aware of them, you will do better to catch yourself when you’re headed in the wrong direction for the wrong reasons so you can take appropriate steps to realign with your intuition.

Overthinking

Is one for the biggest interfere of intuition. Intuition is defined as; the ability to understand something instinctively, without the need for conscious reasoning. Putting excessive thought into every decision and walking through every scenario and outcome can lead you away from your gut instinct, especially when you’re overthinking in order to rationalize or justify something. In these cases, your thought process is not flowing freely but a specific agenda to build a case for something you’ve already made up your mind about. Overthinking generates you to become overwhelmed and confused, leaving you without a clear direction. It is sometimes called analysis paralysis. No matter the process in can lead you to the same place-out of touch with your gut instinct.

Shoulds

Should’s often enter the picture when you’re overthinking and other times when you’re outwardly focused. Like if you wonder, will someone else like me if I do this? In these instances, you’re thinking about your behavior in a lens colored by the rules preferences and expectations that someone else has rather than looking inwardly and allowing your own thoughts and needs to guide your behavior. Should’s shift the focus away from you and distance you from your intuition.

Prejudices and Unconscious Bias

Even though these are in some ways the opposite of overthinking, they have similar effects on intuition. As opposed to overthinking a d over-analysis, prejudices and unconscious bias operate from quick judgments that the brain automatically makes on past experiences, stereotypes, and background instead of based on actual experience, neither of these allows you space for you to tap into the nature of intuition.

A Loved One’s Or Authority Figure’s Needs/ Wants/ Opinion/ Advice.

Often the person who has the greatest power to cloud your gut instinct is a loved one or authority figure whose love or approval you wish to win over like a parent, partner, teacher, or couch.

When You Want Something Badly

When you’re really hungry for something. Whether love acceptance, social status, or something else, your strong desire to fill that gaping need can cause you to overlook or ignore any red flags along the way. Being focused on satisfying a need you deem worthy of almost any cost leaves little opportunity to acknowledge or follow your intuition. Here’s an example: I enjoy playing bingo and being with friends, but this overrides my intuition because while I enjoy playing bingo do much, I am really awful at it. This causes me to waste money and I feel horrible afterward, my intuition tells me, not to play. My love for the game can override my intuition. And I sometimes do it anyway. If I would have listened to my gut, I could have met with friends and played bingo for free, and had a good time. My gut instinct is add odds with something closely aligned with this need.

Previous Trauma/Abuse In Childhood

Perhaps the most complex and powerful of all culprits is having experienced abuse as a child. Because childhood abuse can leave a lasting g I pact on a person that remains even in adulthood. Growing up experiencing physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual abuse can cause children to district their experience and blame themselves. Since trusting your intuition is the same as trusting yourself, tapping into this gut instinct can be a struggle. For many years as an adult I didn’t trust myself. The experiences I lived through as a child caused that.

But there are ways to cultivate your Intuition. Here are some ways:

Slow down and clear your mind, when you’re living in a cloudy haze and rushing around whether physically or mentally you miss information. Slowing down and clearing your mind helps you better recognize and process the information you receive.

Notice sensations in your body. Intuition is grounded within sensations inside the body, so learning to recognize what’s going o. Within your body, what you’re feeling is key to developing your intuition.

Focus on you. Ask yourself What do I really need here? What’s important for me? This is one of those times when it should be all about you. Give yourself full permission to do so. If you find yourself focusing on other people and their needs notice and purposefully return your attention back to being curious about what you need and want. Because that is where you will find your intuition concentrating on these needs help you more easily pave the pathway there.

Take action, the feeling of intuition is like an ocean current navigating you toward a purposeful life. Once you discover it. You still need to jump in a boat and set sail in order to attain its full value. After you answer the question What do I need right now? Do something to give yourself what you need. It might be a tiny step, but size doesn’t matter here. Small steps can be beneficial at first to gradually build trust with your intuitive self who you may be meeting for the first time,

Focus On what You Need, Not What You Want

We all want to be happy, but the more we focus on what we don’t have, the more we feel deprived. You can not feel fulfilled while you focus on what you lack. If you want to be happy, be grateful for what you have.

Studies reveal that levels of wealth or possession do not increase happiness. It really just makes you want more.

Once you have what you actually need. Set in terms of how your happiness level will be impacted. Other factors then become more central to you sense of happiness or fulfilment.

While it is good to have a decent salary, to have a high amount in your bank account is emotionally short-sighted.

The key to happiness is the fulfillment of our needs, not our wants is what makes us happy. We need to drive for balance in our lives. Beyond meeting our level of need, the extra effort in that area can be excessive, distracting, and even stressful. Pursuing extra wealth when we are lacking in family connection reflects an imbalance, and is less emotionally rewarding than less wealth but better relationships.

In our world, today people tend to have lots of possessions and bills than they need to be happy. The idea of having a boat, a motorcycle, four-wheelers, four vehicles would be nice, but the payments, the bills to pay for them all, let alone the upkeep is staggering. Only causing them to have to work more hours, be stressed out, and spending less time with the people who really matter in their lives. It’s all about possession and money.

What any one person experiences as being enough in any area and how that might look or what form that may take in any one’s personal life, is what makes us individual.

We would gain clarity on what we really need in each area, and separate than what we think we want.

Our natural tendency with something that is rewarding is to want more and more. The cost of pursuing more will neglect things.

I have a friend who has a nice big house but, that house is so full of possessions you cannot see the floor. For the clothing, movies, shelves pile with everything to the very top. She can’t even enjoy her nice big house because she can’t get around all her stuff. She has had multiple surgeries from falling and breaking her bones.

She has filled her life with so much stuff that she doesn’t even know what she has, and hasn’t used in years.

All the things you think you need, but just want. Can be a waste of money. That clutter your life and make you unhappy.

So be mindful of your natural human tendency to want more of a good thing that hinders us. This can confuse us and lead us off course. Such impulses are useful when resources are scarce and we need to strive to survive. There is a limit when it comes to meeting our needs, and that what we need to keep in mind when pursuing happiness in our lives.

Handling Change

Changes are a part of life whether planned or not. And we must make choices for changes to have a positive impact on our lives.

Changes Are Seldon Easy

Many are so addicted to the status quo, to resisting change of any type. That when Big changes like changing jobs, getting married, someone we love passes away we let it destroy or lives.

How much better it would be if we focus on moving ahead instead of dredging up the past. Yes, to some degree it is necessary to grieve what has been lost. But at some point, we begin to sabotage ourselves and the people in our life. It took me years to get to the point where I realized and accepted. I kept dredging up the past- my childhood, the loss of wrong decisions, the loss of my father.

I grieved my father’s death for six years. Why did he have to die, was a question I could not answer.

Once we reach the point of loosening our grip on what was already gone, only then we can move forward and only then we are done being crazy.

Resisting changes that have already or will soon happen will not help us navigate our way through the new normal. You’ve probably heard it said the only sure things in life are death and taxes, I would add change to that list. Change is inevitable.

Change is so hard. Even small changes- like changing your hairstyle can be difficult. The big changes the ones that fill us with excitement, fear, dread, pain, or longing. Those changes whether good or bad, all always hard to accept and adjust to.

Some Things Never Change

While we as humans experience change in our lives over and over, there are some things that never change. These anchors can help us to be strong when the winds of change blow.

God Himself Never Changes

God never changes. Hebrews 13:8 says He is the same yesterday and today and forever. Malachi 3:6 says For I, the Lord, do not change. God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change His mind. He will never speak and not act not promise and not fulfill.

God’s purpose for our lives never change. 2 Peter:3-9 lays out God’s chief concern regarding our lived and eternity. God wants us to repent for our sins and have faith in Him this is his desire for every person. However, he will not overrule anyone’s free will to endure that happens. He is deeply grieved over every person who chooses their own way instead of the only way of life. For those who have chosen to follow Jesus. His purposes include so much more. In Jeremiah 29:11 God’s word says For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. In the context of ”future and hope may include hardship and tears but it ends in rejoicing. John 16:33 says In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.

Set some goals in your life, whether it is every hour, every day, every month and then every year. So often in life during those times of change life seems too overwhelming. Focus on your goals what needs to be done today, this morning, this hour. Take it one step at a time. Don’t push yourself to have it all figured out. When big changes happen like you get fired from your job and decide to go to a different church. Or if getting a divorce don’t change jobs even if you hate it. During times of big change, we don’t always think clearly or rationally.

Remember there are always consequences to your actions.

As difficult as life can be, take time to have fun.

God is a foundation on which we must stand. He is the Anchor for our soul. He is something to stand on. Or your foundations will be shake.