From Pity to Praise

Invisible Property Lines and Responsibility- in the physical world boundaries are easy to see. Fences, signs, walls, moats with alligators, manicured lawns, or hedges are all physical boundaries. In there differing appearances, they give the same message: this is where my property begins. The owner of the property is legally responsible for what happens on his or her property. Non-owners are not responsible for the property.

Physical boundaries mark a visible property line that someone holds the deed to. You can go to the county courthouse and find out exactly where those boundaries or responsibility are and whom to call if you have business there.

In a spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but often harder to see. The goal here is to define intangible boundaries and to recognize them as an everpresent reality, these boundaries define your soul, and they help you guard it and maintain it. (Prob. 4; 23)

Me and not me

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. I know where my yard begins and ends. I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not own my life, my choices and options become very limited.

Think how confusing it would be if someone told you to guard this property diligently, because I will hold you responsible for what happens here, and then did not tell you the boundaries of the property or they did not give you the means in which to protect the property? This would be confusing but also potentially dangerous.

This is what happens to us emotionally and spiritually, however. God designed a world where we all live within ourselves, that is inhabit our own souls and we are responsible for the things that make up “us”. The heart knows it’s own bitterness, and no one shares it’s joy (Prov 14; 10). We have to deal with what’s in our soul, boundaries help us define what it is. It we are not shown the parameters, or taught wrong parameters we are in mouth pain.

I will write more on this subject later.

Emotional Neglect

It is possible to heal from the pain of having an emotionally absent mother and/ or self-absorbed mother.

Acknowledge that emotional absence was not your fault. Your mother (I say mother cause it was my mother who neglected/abused me. It could very well be a Father). Was not emotionally available because of something in your childhood. I think I looked like someone my mother was abused by or disliked. It was not because you were not good enough or unlovable. If your mother was emotionally absent and/or critical of you you are/were nor responsible for her behavior. She was the responsible adult. You deserved love and being cared for as a child and also as an adult.

See your mother as she is, not as the person you would like her to be.

It is very painful to come to accept and let go of the hope that one day your mother may change and be the loving and cuddly mother you always hoped for. This wish may keep you in a very anxious and depressed place, as your wish is never fulfilled and you continue to hope for a change but continue to experience emotional absence by your mother.

When you learn to accept that your mother is only able to give you as much as she can, your healing can start and you can have a relationship with her.

Sometimes a relationship isn’t possible. In my case I had had the emotional abuse as well as some physical abuse. Even as I accepted the way she was I never trusted her and you cannot have a relationship if you don’t have trust. Sure If she needed anything I would do it for her, but that’s as far as it went. I never let my own children be alone with her for any length of time. I talked to her but it was as strangers would talk not as mother and daughter.

You have to decide what kind of relationship though would like to have with her (if any) have with her-Reflect on the emotional impact of both having a relationship with her and not having her in her life.

Allow yourself to grief the absence of an emotionally engaged mother. Let yourself feel pain of feeling unloved as a child. Express the pain by talking, painting, writing, or in any way that comes naturally to you. It’s okay to have mixed feelings about your mother for wanting her attention and love (this is our survival instinct as children) while feeling angry towards her and hurt for her being able to prioritize your emotional needs as a child. Acknowledge all you feelings.

Get to know yourself, you may struggle to understand what you want or need , and often seek guidance from other people to the extent that it is very confusing for you.

What are you emotional, physical, safety, self-development, spiritual, and social needs. Pay attention to your emotional experiences. You may struggle to understand your feelings and they are vital for you to understand who you are and what you need.

Stop and listen to your body, what is the emotion you experience and how does it feel in your body? Learn to name your feelings but slowing down and taking time to reflect on them.

Develop self-soothing skills, when our caregivers (mothers) didn’t provide us with soothing as children and we experienced emotional absence we can learn these skills as an adult. We have an innate ability within our body to regulate ourselves. For example, spending time in nature and fully immersing yourself in yourself in your experience can teach you about self-soothing and regulation. Use all your senses to take in soothing experiences offered by nature.

Take a mindful walk in nature focusing on your sensory experiences. Practice deep breathing focusing on your exhale aiming to inhale it for as long as you can counting up to 9 or even 11 seconds when exhaling.

Mindfulness and guided visualization/ meditation surround yourself with beautiful pictures, objects, and scents that help you relax. Listen to music that makes you slow down and relaxes you. Watch funny things that make you laugh.

Be kind to yourself, you may be very critical of yourself and blame yourself for things that either go wrong or even for things that are not to do with you.

Self-compassion, be your own best friend, what would you say to a dear friend in a given situation? Acknowledge that suffering is universal, you are not alone with your pain. Be mindful of your feelings, acknowledge them but do not over identify and get stuck with them.

Shouldn’t I feel happier and more fulfilled? My life lacks meaning. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the outside looking in at others who are truly living. Why do I struggle so much with self-discipline? What is wrong with me?

Almost everyone realizes that what happens to us in childhood has an effort who we become as adults. The good and the bad: awards, accomplishments, mistreatment or abuse. It all has an impact.

But, there is another factor from childhood which has an equal or even greater effect than childhood events, like awards, mistreatments or abuse. This is a fact that people can’t see or remember. It’s invisible. It’s Emotional Neglect.

It’s a parent’s failure to respond enough to a child’s emotional needs. Emotional Neglect is in some ways opposite of mistreatment and abuse. Whereas mistreatment and abuse are parental acts, Emotional Neglect is a parent’s failure to act. It’s a failure to notice, attend to, or respond to a child’s feelings. Because it’s an act of omission, it’s not visible, noticeable, or memorable.

Emotional Neglect is the white space in the family picture; the background rather than the foreground. It is insidious and overlooked while it does it’s silent damage to people’s lives.

Children who are emotionally neglected grow up to have a particular set of struggles. Because their emotions were not validated as children, they may have difficulty knowing and trusting their own emotions as adults. They may have difficulty understanding their own feelings, as well as others. Because an important part of themselves ( their emotional self) has been denied, they may find themselves feeling disconnected, unfulfilled, or empty. I felt disconnected for years, not know where I belonged or even if I belonged. I filled that hole of emptiness up with alcohol and drugs. They may have difficulty trusting or relying on others. I felt different from other people; like something was wrong with me but not knowing what it was. I know now Alcohol and Drugs were not the answer. And knew there was a better answer.

Another way that parents can unwittingly emotionally neglect their child is to fail to give then structure and rules to live by, like consequences and discipline. I grew to know if I didn’t talk and stayed out of my moms sight. I could do anything I wanted, she didn’t care about me anyway. However, as a result, the emotionally neglected often struggle with self- discipline.

Whatever the level of parental failure, the emotional neglected have no childhood memories to explain their difficulties. So, to often, they blame themselves.

To this day, Emotional Neglect has been overlooked. Because it’s invisible, unmemorable, and the absence of something (emotional validation) it has been greatly overshadowed by more visible, but also worthy topics, like childhood events, abuse, or trauma.

Today I am doing better. I still struggle with self-discipline, I don’t talk much, I am just different than everyone else. I have had to come to terms with that. If I get upset with someone or something I have to walk away. I have realized that I am not my mothers sin, why should I live like I am. I am different but I am beautiful and comfortable with who I am.

Trauma is perhaps to most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood and untreated cause of human suffering.

This is your life, Be You. There is a Clear Urgency in your life that you must never neglect and that is- you must be yourself no matter what.

A person’s strength isn’t just about how much they can handle before they break. It’s also about how much they must handle after they’re broken.

Joy- a sense of elation, happiness, and perhaps even exhilaration, often experienced as a sudden spike due to something good happening.

Gratitude- a feeling of thankfulness, for something specific or simply all- encompassing, often accompanied by humility and even reverence.

Serenity- a calm and peaceful feeling of acceptance of oneself.

Interest- a feeling of curiosity or fascination that demands and captures your attention.

Hope- I mentioned a earlier post, Hope is the anchor to the Soul. It’s a feeling of optimism and anticipation about a possible future.

Pride- a sense of approval of one self and pleasure in an achievement, skill, or personal attribute.

Amusement- a feeling of lighthearted pleasure and enjoyment, often accompanied by smiles and easy laughter.

Inspiration- feeling engaged, uplifted, and motivated by something you have read, prayed about and was answered or witnessed.

Awe- an emotion that is evoked when you witness something grand, spectacular, or breathtaking, sparkling a sense or overwhelming appreciation.

Elevation- the feeling you get when you see someone engaging in a act of kindness, generosity, or inner goodness, spurring you to aspire to similar action.

Altruism- usually referred to as an act of selflessness or generosity towards others, but can also describe the feeling you get from helping others.

Satisfaction- a sense of pleasure and contentment you get from accomplishing something or fulfilling a need.

Relief- the feeling of happiness you experience when an uncertain situation turns out for the best, or a negative outcome is avoided.

Affection- an emotional attachment to someone or something by a liking for them and a sense of pleasure for the company.

Cheerfulness- a feeling of brightness, being upbeat, and noticeably happy or chipper; feeling like everything is going your way.

Surprise-( the good kind) – a sense of delight when someone brings you unexpected happiness or a situation goes even better than you had hoped.

Confidence- emotion involving a strong sense of self-esteem and belief in yourself; can be specific to a situation or activity, or mor universal.

Admiration- a feeling of warm approval, respect, and appreciation for someone or something.

Enthusiasm- a sense of excitement, accompanied by motivation and engagement.

Eagerness- intense and the all-encompassing sense of joy or happiness when extremely positive and exciting happens. I have been trying to grow a patch of flowers in my hard for year I have babied them every spring. They would get green but never flower. I thought they were tulips. I went out one morning to water them once again expecting nothing, and there is was 1 big beautiful yellow poppy. I was so excited I jumped for joy. I am eager to see more. I little beautiful flower brought such joy into my life.

Contentment- peaceful comfort, and low- key sense of happiness and well-being.

Enjoyment- a feeling of taking pleasure in whet is going on around you especially in situations like leisure activity or social gathering.

Optimism- positive and hopeful emotion that encourages you to look forward to a bright future, one in which you believe that things will mostly work out.

Happiness- a feeling of pleasure and contentment in the way things are going; a general sense of enjoyment of and enthusiasm for life.

Love- perhaps the strongest of all positive emotions, love is a feeling of deep and enduring affection for someone, along with a willingness to put their needs ahead of your own; it can be directed towards an individual, a group of people, or even humanity. But now abide faith, hope, and love these three; and the greatest of these is love. ( 1 Corinthians 13; 13)